Floccinaucinihilipilification

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So sick of this sad squalored existence
The bile in every breath
So tired of all that surrounds me
Wishing for the emptiness of death

But the what if stops me
What if
I am punished for all I leave behind
For the things I ruin
What if
There is no rest waiting
There is no loving silent embrace by frigid darkness and a blanket of stars
What if
After I sleep I wake
What if
I start all over

What if the universe can’t help but punish such a selfish thing
What if I am not remembered
What if it is thought that I had nothing to say

But the what if drives me
What if
My whole life will feel like this
If all my bones will ache for all my days
What if
I am truly meant to be unextraordinary

What if my future is full of sorrow and the salt of tears
What if my future is empty of a friend to understand
What if my future is without someone who will truly love me

I sit on endless steps
Surrounded by the world and all its gray possibilities
I am too depressed to more forward
I am too scared to fall down
I sit and weep
I am passed
And passed
And forgotten by everyone I once loved
By the people I needed
Who I thought needed me
I am neglected and expected not to care
I am spoken to or about
But never with
No one sits with me
Talks with me
Decisions are made around me and I am not given chance to partake

I am an extra in my own story
The eye follows the star
The rumor of my existence
Chasing shadows that remain more fascinating

The dingy gray alley
The soggy cardboard box
The perpetual rain washing down my face
Streaking dirt with traces of purity

The only real thing is the tears I cry
The only thing worthy is the little space I take
A dusty heirloom on a dusty shelf

In 14 years I will be knocked down by movers cleaning out the lonely broken house of a spinster
The woman spoken about with fear by children
Gossip to the neighbors
The woman whose many cats hissed at the mailman

I won’t make it that far.

I will die with a slit wrist on the kitchen floor of my parents’ house
Blood will spool around me
The cats will hiss at me now
She will be the first to find me

I will time it so that it can be cleaned before the children come home

I fear I will be revived

I fear the destruction that my absence will wreak in their lives
I fear that they will not grow up
That they will not know what to become

Perhaps worse
I fear they will wake up one morning and be like me
The blind given sight though no one believes
The ignored
The waste
The Story of The Failure

A little girl lost
Wandering woods not of her making
Suppressed by a fog of black thoughts that swallow hope
Trees that choke the air
Roots that clutch and claw the ground
A red riding hood and snow white skin
Panic driven steps with tension that never releases
A spiral swirl of bark that whips against your cheek
A thin crimson streak

Depression
For you are pulled deep into the earth and beg to see the sky

The what if keeps me poised
Two advancing walls of spikes
My balance a forced thing my will must hold
Though I have no wish to do it

I am found six feet down
My head on the floor and bowing low
I do not wish to stay
But I cannot find the will to go
I feel no faith towards golden idols
I feel no faith towards tarnished gods
I have no loyalty to this flesh I’ve been given
I pray only that God would forgive me this ungracious act

I fear him imperfect
Because I feel a mistake

Pushed on by pink shedding rubber
I will walk out on ice too thin
The ground will shake beneath me
My feet will slide
Thunder will crack the crust and I fall into depths
I will struggle out of habit
I will surface out of spite
I will bring my will to bear and beg to sink
Even if I should claw my way back to solid ground, I will sit in advancing blue
I will be called the missing
I will not be found until far too late

What if I smother
What if I steer myself into metallic symphony
What if I have not the will to live and gave up long ago
This place is dull enough
This place is hell enough
To be punishment

What if I just have to come to grips with the fact that I am lying in a hospital bed
Tubes and wires
Vegetation in a vegetative state
Ivy climbing walls

Here lies Jane Doe
Who refused to wake up

What if I could stop my own heart
What if it would pause the world

Someday purpose will make a comeback
And what if it does

Would misery then come in acceptable shades
Would the noise be turned down so that sound could be heard
Would Purpose give me recognition
_____I have come back
_____And this is who for
And raise my hand for all to see
Would they bow and part

Would it satisfy me

Would misery leave me
If purpose claimed me

A life without these wretched dragging steps
Noxious fumes that cloud the judgment
Clogging the arteries I wish to sever

In a dream state can you reach the outside world

Can I feel the pen in my hand
Can I move it
Can I write and tell them to let me go

Can I survive if I never wake up

The what if holds me with a lover’s touch

The what if will claim me
Eternity
Imprisoned in the endless range of questions
Stalked by the rutting hound

I trip
I scuff my shoe
I skin my knee

I cry to be left alone
I beg to be forgotten
I seek remembrance only when I have gone

I seek to leave a mark beyond the mark I leave
The what if haunts me with rattling Marley chains

I am a body melting in the rain
Leapt from a ledge far beyond your sight

The what if pushed me
And I tied the noose too tight

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