Rituals.

So I've found a way to get to my blog from my phone. Good? Bad? Nothing at all? Too early to tell.

I sit in a sea of blue with an ache between my legs A strange pain I am never fulfilled But sometimes I am comforted Is it flesh I seek? To wrap warm arms around me To hold me close as though I am a child To hold me in stillness as though dead Warm breath on my neck Slowing heartbeats Is it flesh I seek, to lie in bed with me? I sit in a sea of shadows with an ache in my chest Such familiar pain Worn every day like a shower that does not end Is it a soul I seek? To replace the one I lost Or was never given Or just for me to share the pain with To give half away so that my burden is not so cumbersome So that I can take a step each day Is it a soul I seek? To what? To steal to replace my own? To break to repair mine? To shatter, that I am not the only one Or to see how truly broken we can be To claw like some desperate animal inside the chest of another Man To dig my hands through flesh And snap bone And paw through all the meat Until I find that luscious red heart And squeeze it between

Is this how it feels? To wake each morning with the sun To feel it as others feel it Is this how you feel it? To wake each morning with the sun Spilling over the horizon with rays of pink and gold Lighting the morning mist that creeps across the plains The dew that clings to every morsel Is this how it feels? Is this how it feels? To tumble from a bed Where sleep is a thing that eats your time Where exhausted you fall into a pit Where the ground grows over you as you dream of wretched things Where blankets cling like vines that tried to strangle you in the night Where you slog through muck to make the money you’ve already spent Where home is a second job and all you crave is to break away Is this how it feels? Is this what I stayed for? Is this why everyone bothers? Why does everyone bother? Is this how it feels to be a face in the crowd? To be faceless To stay so busy that you don’t notice To plan time when you must run from your life, in order to survive it To continue on when we don

My blood has turned to bone And my arms sit stiff Reaching My feet have taken root Grown deep to some hellish warmth lying beneath the dirt To walk is to sever a limb Yet still I take that step Still I walk towards a shadow that stretches along the horizon Master of the Vanishing Point Lingering on the edge of the world with a smile and an outstretched hand Once it seemed like such a warm invitation Once it seemed like salvation Now you mock me that I cannot move You beckoned me With that grin that melts the ice That beacon in the fog That treacherous will-o’-the-wisp And so gladly do I come Step by step Before my feet grew That herculean gleam in your eyes That grin That Adonis grin that screams like a siren’s call Onward Onward to my destruction The journey of a thousand hearts All beating within my chest I walk the earth for you I crawl for you The dream that you’ve become is my food You are my oxygen You are Orion gleaming in the sky Your light my life What does this pain matter Wh

It is my birthday Quiet, empty, and soulless Like me, or the world The difference does not matter This is a day that could be Any other day But there is no flaw in that Simply the way the path has turned A lonely, dusty road It is lined with trees That in the winter Hang crisp with snow And in the autumn That approaches slowly There is a flurry of foliage A blizzard about my car Blinds me Makes it dangerous to drive I am driving Out to the countryside To an ivy-covered house No longer a home Just a place where people live I am the guest of honor And the party is underway I am offered a flute of champagne As I step unto the patio A quartet plays Vivaldi And chatter drifts through the air Children play croquet in the grass Ribbons in the hair Caps on the head The clothing is muted As we are not the flowers Or the greenery We are the High Society And are lifted by our airs Tonight there will be a murder And I will be a suspect Or a victim There will be a motive It may be petty There will

Can you give me a word that will hold me close? Can you give me a light for the darkness? A lamp for the path? Can you keep the ghosts away with the tone of your voice? Can you raise your glass and toast me? Can you mean it? I want them to love me I want them to dance around me Build effigies I want them to touch me and marvel that I am real I want to be the center of a world other than my own. Love me with abandon Please I am on my knees and pleading For a touch a simple touch Contact, tangible proof That I matter Even if only to one other than me I want them to see me Standing, at the top of a staircase I want the music to stop (just for a moment just for one moment) I want them to see me And then they can forget me I want to jump Because none of it matters I want to find new words Shining words For the same feelings I want to find new feelings I want them to see meLike a shadow in the mirror

Come. Come dance the fishka In your raldis gowns Grab the gotalie And I will play the neska All the choskas will dance kafelda While the quons dance fanole Come. Come dance the fishka in your raldis gowns. When the veeta sounds We shall have the Donalatt feast With roasted nelfet Crispy gusha and chiy Bowls and bowls of yennas And fresh baked tshesha The bellella fish with tellally and cream And sweet, sweet kallillix Come. Come to the Donalatt feast. And when Pavella is high in the night sky And the miliac bugs gleam We shall steal away To the paveli beneath the zoniac trees I will whisper ularas in your ear And you will pick a velis for your hair We will hold each other fennalin And dream of our seralat day So come.Come dance the fishka in your raldis gown.

The moon shines feral tonight, Gleaming like an eye gone blind, Jealous of all she can’t see. The wind howls and screams Against a screen door, Banging against the frame. It is her voice Screaming jealousy. She gathers clouds under Her arms and sweeps Across the earth, A silver tsunami. Invisible destruction, Emotional rage that rushes Through your bones. Who has blinded poor Diana?

Bold Apollo Scrapes his wheels across The sky, cackling Without care at the destruction, The scorched earth. He writes his moniker in fire And carries the women off. He stays beyond his welcome And the deserts grow With glee and malice towards Crops so carefully planted. Apollo throws stones at the clouds To scatter the rain, To let nothing cloud his visage. King of whatever he claims. Brash Apollo.