Rituals.

I am very restless. Everything I love about my life is gone. The freedom from living on my own, my friends, a job I liked, the chance to do or buy things I enjoyed. Even my computer is shut down. I miss... I'm not sure what I miss. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Other than a new job. Because I really, really hate the one I have now. But there are...circumstances that I'm afraid will interfere with a job change. Both are the results of some incredibly stupid acts. Things no one has any idea about. And I don't even have any one to tell them to anymore. I can't see how it could be my fault, but it's such a strong repeating pattern that I'm afraid I'm just being arrogant. Everyone's just...gone. It's like I am nothing but a supporting character, base camp when you're climbing a mountain. You start here, with me, and you come back when you need something, but I'm niether the point nor goal nor something to look forward to. It's lik

I don't have a lot of time, since I need to get to work. But I just wanted to give a quick update so that the last thing I've said on here isn't an angry rant about how mad I am (well, now it's "was") and a looming suicide threat. I'm fine, really. Disappointed about a lot of things in my life, sad even, but life goes on. I'll try and get something up soon. Adios.

Do you have any idea how stupid what you just pulled was? You don’t, do you? You’ve been so oblivious to how I’ve felt all summer that you’ve completely missed the fact that I’ve been depressed and suicidal. So under those circumstances, of course it seemed like a good idea to gang up on my and tell me how much I hurt your feelings one time. No matter that I’ve been pissed at you all summer. No matter that I have to be completely outraged by what you did in order to keep myself from going absolutely insane with depression. And of course you don’t care that I had a hard time breathing as I was driving home because I’ve been deserted, again, by my friends. No matter that I am so sick of being treated this way, that it makes me violently ill. No matter that this is what I’ve had happen with every friend I’ve ever had. No matter that, goddamit, you actually have the power to make me weep. No matter that it’s not the first time. No matter that I’ve done it more this summer than in the rest

But Such a Sweet Sixteen I have a pain in my heart My empty, black heart A rock Has been swallowed by my fear And now resides Deep inside Grinding against the walls The soft tissue The blood will not flow And I fear It will mean my death It pulses As nothing does And in public I must hide my face Lest someone see the effect it has But it seems so obvious Wearing it beneath my clothes Like a despicable growth And even now it begs to be fed It surges at my touch And even the slimmest of thoughts The barest of images Seems to provoke it Even now This simple conversation Has flared this fire to life And I yearn So much To be free of it I did not ask for this The lessons were taught But they did not prepare me for this The lessons were learned But they were incomplete And surely my failure cannot be solely mine If they had but told… If they had but shared… If they had but known… But, ah, they would have to know And they do not And so I dealt with this sickness The surest way I knew how And

You are driving me absolutely nuts. We're all the same age, so why do I feel like the only adult?

A Caution: _____ These words are not for you _____ They are for the Intended _____ The Stability _____ Who has yet to make an appearance _____ If you are unprepared for this Burden _____ We will both crumble under its weight _____ I say these words simply because they Demand to be said _____ And not because I want you to hear them By Way of Introduction: _____ Ah, such foolishness was brewed this night that brings about these _____ thoughts _____ But they command to be written and so I do _____ Ever a slave to the English language and all the sensual coaxing of _____ the Word _____ And even as I write them, my mind fights the effects, adds to the _____ effects and begs me to leave it be. _____ But, sigh, I never can _____ For in all the things I’ve ever learned _____ And they number many _____ I have never learned when, or how, to simply stop. The Meat: _____ There is a drift _____ A tide _____ That ever pulls my car _____ It would be such an easy thing _____ To release the wheel _____

I know. But please don't. I know you have the best intentions but don't wish it for me, because I already know it isn't going to be. So if you could just let it slip by without mentioning it (the day after is okay, but don't be too excited about it), I'd appreciate it.

Since they seem to be the only things I can write lately, here's a few more poems. I know, I hate it too. Seeking: A Man of Intellectual Means (Or “Where Have All the Potentials Gone?) A case of self-destruction The clues Spontaneity Frivolity Sloth Lack of reverence Lack of self-control Internalized issues That fester and boil and break the skin The Cable was a mistake It snapped And I fell Left on the ground With coils winding about The Hope was a mistake The expectation of it all It was not so much that the world failed me But that I sat And waited on lightning When the conditions did not warrant its appearance Oh despair, despair At this woman in red who has walked through my door Trouble she brings with her Clinging to her hem The Petulant Child Oh despair, despair At this mysterious Hound An option it brings That I have yet to consider The Unsettling Question Alas, that nothing is as it seems This Hidden Enemy This Unseen force This Drive behind it All A tack A nail A spike T

I did it. I have beaten the Ocarina of Time. Well, I suppose, technically, I beat Ganondorf. But, overall, I beat the video game itself...or most of it. But it's enough for me. See, I might do everything possible in Spyro, but there's only about three things to do, anyway. In Zelda ('cause Ocarin of Time is a Zelda game...should I have mentioned that earlier?) there's dozens of little missions and adventures. And I just plumb don't feel like doing them all. Lata

I know. It's been over a month since I posted. But the only computer in this house with a decent connection, is the one in the living room. And since my dad is in here, more or less, all the time, getting a moment of privacy to update your blog is what we might consider "difficult." So you'll simply have to deal with things from now on. Obviously, since I've found the time right now, opportunities do exist. So I will, at least, for your sake, try and take advantage of more of them. So, what's been new? Well, I have a job. It isn't fun. And I don't particularly care for one of the people I work with (don't worry Jen, I'm talking about Chris). And mostly importantly, on the list of things I hate, it involves getting up at 5 in the morning and going to bed at 9 o'clock at night. Not exactly "normal" or "desired" behavior from my point of view. But I'm giving it some time, at least until rent with my parents is paid up.

What, exactly, am I doing, that I have managed to fail so well at it?

Here's some poetry to tide you over while I work on a rather large rant about geek-related topics. I figure I've taken up enough space on other people's webpages. The Chalk Outline Sleeping on a dead man's mattress Dreaming of a man in drag Hung With cut strings Rolling back into oblivion The sour notes of sacrilege Ringing in my ears A House of Flies and a Welcome Home The stroke of my skin An expression waiting to begin Building to a crescendo Amounting to an emotion I am striving to reach a level of awareness I have yet to comprehend There is a sensation in me I cannot understand A coat of ice And the destruction of my future My own little corner A haven where I have been shuttled and locked away My portal waits With visions dancing at my arrival I am on the inside Sleep is kept at bay for an eternity while my creativity storms free But all my inspiration builds to desperation and strays about in a ungainly waste of effort And for all I have accomplished I have nothi

My heart is broken By Time And by Failed Intentions In a house of Crystal and Polished Glass my Reflection is Distorted I no longer see what I Am But only what I have Become I cut my wrists And give a sacrifice of Blood to the Old Gods But the Alters have been Forgotten And the Gods have left And I am here with Nothing but more Pain to Add to my heavy load My Soul will die in this place I have Shut it Away To keep it Safe To keep my Sanity To Survive But it will Die In a Storage Room of my Steel Heart And When I Leave And Let it Loose Nothing will Come My Soul will Die in that place And I am Soon to Follow I seek Glory where there is none I seek Purpose where there is none I seek Life where there is none And I seek Love Though I miss it when it comes Though I blink when it is in front of me Though I fail to notice it when it leaves Though I can not tell it is there Even as I am feeling it Alone and In Pain The words on my Grave The place where I live Two separate places Yet exactly the

Does it creep anyone else out that first Steven Tyler puts his daughter in one of Aerosmith's videos as a striper, and then in Armageddon, provides the song that his daughter has sex to? I mean, that is weird, right?

I have to say, I'm impressed. I wasn't sure they could do it. But they managed to make my life worse. It was quite ingenious really. First, they get my hopes up by having my parents tell me they'll lend me the gas money to get home, and that I can live with them until I get back on my feet. Nice, right? The only thing I have to do is get out of my lease. No problem, I think. I mean, it's a college town. Most of these apartments are studios, so they're filled with mostly college students. I'm sure my landlords are used to having tenants who get into financial trouble and have to leave. If I'm lucky, I could even get my deposit back. Which would be enough to take care of my ticket, my electric bill, and any other bills that absolutely needed paid. Why, I'd even have enough left over to do my laundry. Maybe even buy a cheeseburger. Ah, but hope was dashed. So very clever. You see, I can get out of my lease, and even get my deposit back, but only, ONLY if I

On my last post, I said that things sucked. Well, I suppose that's what I get for my presumption. You see, things have gotten worse. Much worse. The List: - My rent is still due. - If my cable bill paid itself, then my checking account is overdrawn. - My electric bill is 2 weeks overdue. - One of my credit card bills is overdue. - In about 2 weeks or so, I have to pay a student loan bill, a second credit card bill, my Dell bill, my Old Navy bill, and my phone bill - The other half of insurance is due - A left-over tuition bill (I'm not even going to mention how much that is) that will soon go to a collection agency and ruin my credit score - No job - No reasonable amount of writing done, despite all the time I have And to top it all off: Because I never got around to paying for it, because whenever I had the money I never remembered, and whenever I remembered I didn't have the money, my car registration is 6 months late, I now have (on top of the $80 to get the registration

I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to make my rent for next month. $280 in a week and a half. Even if I got a job now, I still wouldn't get paid till at least the week after it was due. And I'd have to be working a full time job to make enough, anyway. Not to mention all the bills I have. And I don't even have enough money to bail and go home. I have enough money to maybe, maybe , get halfway. Although, I don't have enough room in my car for all my stuff, anyway. And "I cna't pay my rent" might not be a good enough reason to get out of my lease. So I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do. If you have any ideas, let me know. Life really sucks right now.

Whenever they're needed, no one is ever online.

It should be against the law for celebrities to name their own children. I mean "Coco" and "Apple" are one thing. But come on: Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo God'iss Love Rebel, Rocket, Racer, Rogue Audio Science Banjo Magnus Hopper Jack Jermajesty Prince Michael, Paris Michael, Prince Michael II (aka "Blanket") Dixie Dot and Bebe Bell Rumer, Scout, Tallulah Bell Reign Beau and Freedom Story and Dream London (doesn't sound so bad, until you learn, it's where he was conceived) Trixie Bell, Pixie, Peaches Honey Blossom Pilot Inspector Seriously. Actual names. I mean, sure, I like names like "Alecto," "Vain," "Isaura," "Adara," or "Cree." But I'm nice enough to keep those names to characters in my novels. If I had a kid, I'd name them "Edward" or "Evelyn." Jason or Jonathan, if there wasn't already one of each in my family (as well as a John). Oh, and you know how I menti

So I saw this sign on a guy’s door: 21 Reasons Why “Star Wars” is Better Than “Titanic” I mean, is there actually someone out there who needs a list to explain it? Let alone 21 reasons. And while we’re at it: if you’re stuck in the middle, with clowns on the left of you and jokers on the right, where are you? And why, when shooting at things that aren’t affected by bullets, do people waste an entire clip trying to kill it? And why, when they’re running out of ammo while fighting the Jaffa, doesn’t SG-1 just pick up all the staff weapons from the corpses and fight with those? And speaking of "Unleashed," which we weren't, it was nice to see that they gave a girl a chance to kick some ass. Even if she ultimately sucked at it. Narf.

I know, I know. It remains the oddest freakin' thing about me. I'm terrified of sharks. More than terrified, really. And I can't watching them in movies (excluding Deep Blue Sea). But I love, LOVE watching documentaries about them. It's so entertaining. I think the main difference is intent. In movies, the sharks are given motives and motivation. They "want" to kill humans. They stalk their prey. And in documentaries, we're just following along with their natural behavior. As I've said before, I actually like sharks quite a bit. But I'm still scared to death of them. If for some reason, I ever ended up in salt water, just floating...? It's just....so terrifying that I can't even comprehend what my reaction would be. My brain would be stuck, overloading between panic and all the things I shouldn't do. And on top of that list is continuing with this particular topic. So right, in movies. There are so many flaws in these things and many ha

It's space!! SPACE!!!!!!! No gravity except when you're near other objects. No DIRECTIONS!!!! You can go any bloody way you want! So how could someone possibly set up a barricade? No, really. How could they? Because they certainly keep trying. They did it on Star Trek: The Next Generation. I'm watching it right now. They also tried it on Serenity (the movie version of Firefly). And trust me, I hate to bring it up, because they got a lot of other things right on that show. What with the no sound in space and ships that weren't aero-dynamic (since, duh, there's no air). But seriously, the Reavers are lingering in the space between the Serenity and Miranda, so they disguise the ship to sneak through? And the Enterprise is trying to prove the Romulans are helping the Klingons, so they set up a blockade and pass tackeons between the ships to reveal any cloaked ships (I told you, I'm watching it right now), and it worked? IT'S SPACE!!!!! It's endless. It's

Did you know that Ben Roethlisberger (Steelers' quarterback) was born in 1982? He's only 23!!! I mean, man, that's depressing. Though, the fact that he's hot makes me feel better when I think about how much more he's done with his life. It's a nice distraction.

The Terrible Towel strikes again. The Black and Gold, baby!!! Pittsburgh Steelers - 21 Seattle Seahawks - 10 Superbowl #5 Kick. Ass.

Go Steelers

I'm not gonna make it. I'll die alone. And I'll spend the rest of my life regretting what I never managed to acomplish.

You know what I love about you? And is one thing (among many) that I’m looking forward to about living together. I bet, that if I asked you to go to the laundry mat with me, at one o’clock on a Saturday night, whether you had any dirty clothes or not, I bet you’d say yes. I bet that on a wet January weekend, you’d come and hang out with me, in a room of noisy machines and tumbling clothes, with a wet tiled floor and vending machines that are empty of any appealing choices with no other answer than “sure, why not."

Ever notice that we eat soft pretzels with cheese, mustard, or ketchup but breadsticks with butter or marinara sauce? And while you might doubt it, the titles do actually have some sort of logical connectivity to the subject. Of course, it's a logical that only I'm aware of and probably one that only I could understand anyway.

I really don't care about the voting or finals or even who wins. (though as I've admitted before, Kelly Clarkson really does deserve to be famous. She has some excellent songs) But the auditions are HILARIOUS! It's like the best and worst of America all rolled into one. The people who should be given the chance for success and the people who should never, ever be allowed on camera. Or out of their houses. It's great. And Simon's kinda hot. (what can I say? Sarcasm attracts sarcasm) Then there was the cowboy-guy with the really nice ass. Nice. But the show and supporting phenomenon is annoying.

Do you know what one of the main problems is with modern day society? We're taught not to discriminate based on race. And while that might seem like a good thing, and you might be rather outraged right now, the entire concept is fundamentally flawed. The problem is that teaching people this concept instills them with the idea that there is such a thing as "race." There isn't. "Race" is a socially construct based on a person physical appearance or geographic location. Genetically, there is no basic difference between one person and the next. Obviously, because we're all different, there are genetic deviations. But there is nothing to establish "race." There might be differences based on a person's ancestral geographic home, where an entire group of people gathered in a specific type of environment and procreated based out of a small genetic pool. And there might be physical differences because of those environments and the extensive amount o

Olive Garden: What kind of parents take their kids to Olive Garden? There's nothing for the kids to eat. Except maybe breadsticks or spagetti (and honestly, only really dumb parents let their kids have spagetti at a restaurant). There's nothing for them to do. Except make a mess with their spagetti. Or cry. Or scream. Or complain about how they're bored and don't like the food. Wendy's: Telling someone they look like a million chicken nuggets? Yeah, that's not equal to a million bucks. It's actually only 200,000 dollars. Since there's five chicken nuggets in a pack. It's cute, but fundamentally flawed. And fundamentals are important to me. Now I'm going to go make fried rice. Want some?

When I become famous, I'm going to name drop Old Navy so much.

The drip of shit The flow of excrement because we cannot keep our mouths shut Spittle and froth Because we do not take our words to heart The stench of this waste A repository of suppositories Where we lay all our curses to rest Trading them about like so much clutter One for two Five for six Another for a second Yours and mine All about in this havoc The disintegration of value The loss of equivocal exchange A marker A buoy in the midst of this tidal wave of angst The sludge flows Moves within us Moves with us Because of us Is us The heartbeat is gone We are left in the wake Left with the refuse of all that has been before The st-st-stutter of excellence The loss of innocence The absence of guilt The dissolution of blame Nothing to be given No quarter to gain Frozen byproducts The cattle we claim Death comes quietly In this soundless rush This muted uproar A knife to cut A vein to bleed The pain to spark With bones to burn The effort required to carry on is too great under the strain