Rituals.

I have a job. I have a new friend. I have new medication. Things are looking up. But I am down. I look at my feet when I walk. I don't want to see what lies ahead. I don't want to trip over what's happening right now. I should be asleep but then I won't want to get up. I wish I could feel the way I used to feel. I wish I could remember how I used to feel. Maybe I shouldn't WANT to feel that way. Maybe it wasn't so great. I want to feel something new. Something I've never felt before. But where is the person who will make that happen? Where is the person who will teach me what love feels like?

I know a lot of it is the meds talking, specifically the meds failing that is talking, but I just feel so....dead. I can't think of anything to do creatively. And when I do think of something, I don't have the motivation for it. I open the internet browser and after responding to all the Arcade threads, I don't know how to spend my time. I binge watch a show, and then can't stand it enough to finish it. I switch genres, and then there isn't enough to fill the time. I try to work and can't concentrate for more than 15 mins. I have, roughly, a 12 hour day and I don't know how to spend the time. And then when the time is spent, I don't know what I've spent it doing. I'm lost and alone and in the woods. It's snowing and it's cold, and I don't have the proper attire. I'm abandoned and given up on and rejected. I don't have a signal. I'm looking for a sign. All I see is the same old trees. And I've neve