Rituals.

The music rolls down the list As I play each song To see if I still want it While the voices sing I try to write And as I am told That the music has died I feel the words Breathing last painful breaths My soul is deceased And I give up on the idea That I have anything to say But as I surrender to this My fingers find excuses To keep moving To speak of how Nothing I've ever written Has ever mattered And nothing I've written Has ever been read And nothing I've said Has ever been heard And every creative burst Has gone unnoticed My fingers speak Of how no one has ever cared And now neither do I So fuck them And fuck me And fuck you too.

I sit in a sea of blue with an ache between my legs A strange pain I am never fulfilled But sometimes I am comforted Is it flesh I seek? To wrap warm arms around me To hold me close as though I am a child To hold me in stillness as though dead Warm breath on my neck Slowing heartbeats Is it flesh I seek, to lie in bed with me? I sit in a sea of shadows with an ache in my chest Such familiar pain Worn every day like a shower that does not end Is it a soul I seek? To replace the one I lost Or was never given Or just for me to share the pain with To give half away so that my burden is not so cumbersome So that I can take a step each day Is it a soul I seek? To what? To steal to replace my own? To break to repair mine? To shatter, that I am not the only one Or to see how truly broken we can be To claw like some desperate animal inside the chest of another Man To dig my hands through flesh And snap bone And paw through all the meat Until I find that luscious red heart And squeeze it between...

Is this how it feels? To wake each morning with the sun To feel it as others feel it Is this how you feel it? To wake each morning with the sun Spilling over the horizon with rays of pink and gold Lighting the morning mist that creeps across the plains The dew that clings to every morsel Is this how it feels? Is this how it feels? To tumble from a bed Where sleep is a thing that eats your time Where exhausted you fall into a pit Where the ground grows over you as you dream of wretched things Where blankets cling like vines that tried to strangle you in the night Where you slog through muck to make the money you’ve already spent Where home is a second job and all you crave is to break away Is this how it feels? Is this what I stayed for? Is this why everyone bothers? Why does everyone bother? Is this how it feels to be a face in the crowd? To be faceless To stay so busy that you don’t notice To plan time when you must run from your life, in order to survive it To continue on when we don...

My blood has turned to bone And my arms sit stiff Reaching My feet have taken root Grown deep to some hellish warmth lying beneath the dirt To walk is to sever a limb Yet still I take that step Still I walk towards a shadow that stretches along the horizon Master of the Vanishing Point Lingering on the edge of the world with a smile and an outstretched hand Once it seemed like such a warm invitation Once it seemed like salvation Now you mock me that I cannot move You beckoned me With that grin that melts the ice That beacon in the fog That treacherous will-o’-the-wisp And so gladly do I come Step by step Before my feet grew That herculean gleam in your eyes That grin That Adonis grin that screams like a siren’s call Onward Onward to my destruction The journey of a thousand hearts All beating within my chest I walk the earth for you I crawl for you The dream that you’ve become is my food You are my oxygen You are Orion gleaming in the sky Your light my life What does this pain matter Wh...

It is my birthday Quiet, empty, and soulless Like me, or the world The difference does not matter This is a day that could be Any other day But there is no flaw in that Simply the way the path has turned A lonely, dusty road It is lined with trees That in the winter Hang crisp with snow And in the autumn That approaches slowly There is a flurry of foliage A blizzard about my car Blinds me Makes it dangerous to drive I am driving Out to the countryside To an ivy-covered house No longer a home Just a place where people live I am the guest of honor And the party is underway I am offered a flute of champagne As I step unto the patio A quartet plays Vivaldi And chatter drifts through the air Children play croquet in the grass Ribbons in the hair Caps on the head The clothing is muted As we are not the flowers Or the greenery We are the High Society And are lifted by our airs Tonight there will be a murder And I will be a suspect Or a victim There will be a motive It may be petty There will ...

Can you give me a word that will hold me close? Can you give me a light for the darkness? A lamp for the path? Can you keep the ghosts away with the tone of your voice? Can you raise your glass and toast me? Can you mean it? I want them to love me I want them to dance around me Build effigies I want them to touch me and marvel that I am real I want to be the center of a world other than my own. Love me with abandon Please I am on my knees and pleading For a touch a simple touch Contact, tangible proof That I matter Even if only to one other than me I want them to see me Standing, at the top of a staircase I want the music to stop (just for a moment just for one moment) I want them to see me And then they can forget me I want to jump Because none of it matters I want to find new words Shining words For the same feelings I want to find new feelings I want them to see meLike a shadow in the mirror

Come. Come dance the fishka In your raldis gowns Grab the gotalie And I will play the neska All the choskas will dance kafelda While the quons dance fanole Come. Come dance the fishka in your raldis gowns. When the veeta sounds We shall have the Donalatt feast With roasted nelfet Crispy gusha and chiy Bowls and bowls of yennas And fresh baked tshesha The bellella fish with tellally and cream And sweet, sweet kallillix Come. Come to the Donalatt feast. And when Pavella is high in the night sky And the miliac bugs gleam We shall steal away To the paveli beneath the zoniac trees I will whisper ularas in your ear And you will pick a velis for your hair We will hold each other fennalin And dream of our seralat day So come.Come dance the fishka in your raldis gown.

The moon shines feral tonight, Gleaming like an eye gone blind, Jealous of all she can’t see. The wind howls and screams Against a screen door, Banging against the frame. It is her voice Screaming jealousy. She gathers clouds under Her arms and sweeps Across the earth, A silver tsunami. Invisible destruction, Emotional rage that rushes Through your bones. Who has blinded poor Diana?

Bold Apollo Scrapes his wheels across The sky, cackling Without care at the destruction, The scorched earth. He writes his moniker in fire And carries the women off. He stays beyond his welcome And the deserts grow With glee and malice towards Crops so carefully planted. Apollo throws stones at the clouds To scatter the rain, To let nothing cloud his visage. King of whatever he claims. Brash Apollo.

Sometimes I get lost. Sometimes I get lost inside who I am or who I'm trying to be. Sometimes I get lost because people don't see me. Sometimes I just want people to see me. I want them to recognize me. See my intelligence, marvel at my skill. Sometimes I just want some frickin' attention, some praise. Hell, I'll even take the occasional critique. Sometimes I'm sick of being alone.

Wonderland Tell me what I am to do today, sitting In this crazy house Or better yet, tell me What I am to think Sometimes I remember that these thoughts Are crazy and wrong and cast my mind All aflutter But sometimes not Sometimes I wonder why I am running from the truth Why everyone wants me to run from the truth So it’s wake up, shower, eat Take your meds, there’s a good lad Now go to a class where you’re not allowed to talk and all you want to do is laugh And the little pills tell you you’re happy But your mind won’t tell you the reason And happiness without reason? Why that’s its own brand of insanity But shh, don’t say that “Crazy” is not politically correct Or else it’s detrimental to our treatment But what’s so bad about the word? I picked it out myself I wear it so others know I know (It is “crazy,” right? And not the truth? I’m still not clear) Because sometimes I forget that I’m supposed to be wrong Is it harder when you’re so often right? And the little blue pills that keep ...

The Kings and Queens gathered around the lake, the Bloody Lake. Trees lurched to the waters’ edge to dip in the tips of their roots. Their spring blossoms painted red where once they had been white. The hunters from the forest, the Wolf, the Puma, dipped their muzzles in, their once-white teeth now gleaming red. The Hawk and the Eagle dipped low from the sky and scrapped their talons along the surface. The Wheat in the field swayed with the bitter tempting song that echoed in the wind. And along the bloody lake I sat and dreamed of better things.

Three Fires: Torch A picture of the sun hangs in my window, setting the room on fire My bed is bursting into flames I am burning My skin turns black and leaves lines when I run my hands through my hair From the tip to the heel, I can feel the fire swell and grow I hold my muscles taunt and wait to spring into action My heart races The blood pounds beneath my crispy skin The breath dies in my chest and I exhale smoke and ash Through the haze of heat, the world shimmers and shifts around me I am out of my place and will be burned at the stake There is so much at stake Run Run from the fire Run from the flames Run But my voice has died in my throat and I exhale smoke and ash The flesh burns away The organs cook I whither to ash and cannot move Three Fires: Forest When sorrow breaks like waves the time has come to end it A tree of bright white wood stands gleaming on the hill The sun sets behind it and lights it on fire The grass burns away leaves the ground covered in ash A white sky, as ...

I don’t live in a dream I live in a land forgotten Once, the words poured from me like water Always in a straight line Sometimes silly and awkward But a straight line Now the words pour like a curled ribbon twisting around like a stick with one end My mind drifts and sways on breezes like kites When I try to hold it still, the world seems to shake instead and I wonder if I will ever be able to go back to what I once was I look through my mind like memories and I try to grab hold But they are still water and slip through my grasp I want to wield the words like bricks and build a great building that everyone will want to see I made this choice, you see, once long ago, and I cannot bear to think that it was wrong I still do love it so But I cannot get my mind to stay And I rhyme to words forgotten I look back with confusion like the words of someone else I cannot remember how I got them But I can see them in my head But they do not glow like they used to Once the words poured from me like...

There is a heavy howling in the air A muted glare I seem drawn to these people The tidal forces of Newton’s gravity They’re not the people I want They’re not the people they seem But inevitably they are But maybe it’s my paranoia Built in me since birth A faulty sixth sense It cannot seem wholly accurate It seems impossible to think that it could always be true That I could always be right But who am I to determine When I ask, I think they lie When I don’t, I think they will The paranoia in me Where eaves are ears And I catch what I drop They know that I am standing there So it’s a mere fraction of the mass Hysteria But assuredly, I am insured For riots Plastic shields control what I regret to unleash The peaceful demonstration The silent protest Who is shamed by what I’ve failed to do? And now Months after I have begun this undertaking It is all brand new Windex on the window of my mind And sometimes I can see the footprints of where I’ve been And sometimes, like this time I cannot se...

The pleasant whistle of war As I surge across the line The mud tries to steal my feet and the rain beats against my helmet I carry a gun I surge across the line The ground around me explodes in fire and mortar Barb wire trembles in the thunderous roar and reaches for a man to hold The back of my mind is screaming Telling me to run, flee, run, flee The training tells me to run So I run with fear and purpose mixing into a single stream of thought I surge across the line In the madness and gray and dust and smoke I seek an enemy I find a man and whip my rifle to his head I shoot him when he’s down The dirt beside me pings I drop to the ground I look for a target and take a shot I survive He does not I jump to my feet I surge across the line When the day is done I slump in a ditch I close my eyes and dream of far away places But all I see explodes in madness Gray, and dust and smoke A man asks me if we won I do not know so I give no answer Darkness settles Where gray turns to black The ord...

Seated on her throne, she is a dark queen Shadows splayed behind her in a semblance of blood, cloth Her eyes have scanned the stars for the signs of her salvation But it will not come in time She is her only hope The warrior inside her wakes A cruel creation of the vital fluids She has bathed in it since she was a child A sword in her hand A spear A blade Tendons cut like meat Bones broken with pale white chips Flung to the heavens The hearts that ceased to bleed She’d hoped that he would come He could have saved her enemy His way with words, he could have swayed them But he has not come And she cannot wait So her fate is sealed She will wipe them from the earth And the others will kill her for it “I am betrayed by those who say they are friends And should I defend myself, I will not only be turned away I shall be turned against” But she will not yield The warrior inside her makes her stand The shadows pull with her A dark, dark cloak But it gives her some comfort This reflection of th...

I sleep on a bed of flowers They are gray and suit me well I sleep and dream for hours They are real and waking up is hell I took a chance on the medicated dance Now I’ve gone and lost my partner I took a pill to break my will Now I’ve fallen even harder I have too much time to think But my thoughts don’t stay together I have flesh that will rot and stink But my head will stay forever Oh woe, oh woe, will carry me Oh woe, oh woe, why can’t they see Horror, horror, lurks behind my eyes Horror, horror

~~~~~~~ Words, words, like candy Like bins of gummy bears and licorice whips Like Saturday morning rainbows on the kitchen floor, claimed with a bare foot Like when the floor is lava Words, when a pen is a sword in your hand and you write like daggers When the letters spiral and carry When they leave a trail of blood Words, words like magic ~~~~~~~ My thoughts are rain They pour, but can only fall so far ~~~~~~~ Horror In the mirror Horror Reflected in the screen Horror Sometimes I catch a glimpse of such Horror ~~~~~~~ If poems are flowers Then I am a hummingbird I jump, I stray, I cannot stay. ~~~~~~~ This is an oppressive cloud Of dirt and age Of trash and rolls of fat Where turkey tetrazzini sings and my body is on fire ~~~~~~~ The castle gleamed with white stone walls Laughter and music rang through the halls and voices were like angels They spoke my name I found myself there, in dark corners And the voices pulled me free Some with potions, some with magic They worked together lik...

Tell me. Give me my reaction Tell me. Am I to feel ashamed? Am I to stay broken? Am I to cower in the corner of my bedroom and feel your presence hover over me? Tell me. Because I do not know if I am to feel these things. I want to feel screaming, wild joy. Not the touch of your hands. I want to feel exaltation at the dawn of each day. Not a chain around my wrist. I want to see the world wake into shimmering light, with a sunrise of peach and cream and carmine. Not disbelief in the faces. Not you walking past my house as though you live down the street. Not, not, and not. But I do. Chains and yokes and stocks. A noose. A strangling hand. The thrust of a knife. Tell me. Is this forever? Am I always-broken? Never-mended? I will find a voice in the darkness you’ve given me. I will adjust my eyes to this inky night. I will find fireflies and stars and moonbeams to light my thorn-path You have beaten me with my memories But I’ve still the chance to win You’ve beaten me and beaten me and mad...