Have you ever...?
Have you ever just felt like the world is crashing around you? Like everything is just plummeting and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Like all you can do is sit back and watch, helpless to move. And while it doesn't seem like there was anything you could have done, it still all seems your fault and you have this huge pit in your stomach that tells you that though you can't figure out how you messed up, you did and you did really bad.
Because that's how I feel right now.
My entire life just feels like this enevitable train wreck. Like I can see where it's going to jump the tracks but no matter how hard I press the brakes, I'm neve rgoing to stop in time.
Because that's what I feel like when I have to ask them for help.
They're like this looming brick wall in my life and no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I always end up smacking into it.
It's terrifying having to ask them for help.
My life just really sucks right now and I don't know how to make it better. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do, to make it better or to dull the pain.
It's like the world has disappeared and there's nothing left between me and this problem that never seems to go away. And I want to scream or die or feel something, but it's like the emotions I need to survive are lurking just beneath the surface, just out of reach. And I don't know how to get to them. There's jus tthis gaping lack of motivation, this lack of sensation.
I have to be missing something right? There's a clue right in front of my face that I'm not seeing? Or I took a wrong turn and now just need to go back?
Have I made a wrong descision, a bad choice, and all I have to do is fix it and everything will be right again? I'll be like other people? I'll feel like other people?
Is it possible that all this Christian crap is right? And that if I'm not walking the path God intended for me, then nothing in my life is going to work out or make sense?
I don't believe it. I mean, I'd almost like to believe it because it would certainly be nice to have an explanation. But the faith just doesn't seem to be there no matter how hard I try.
And I just feel trapped behind the glass.
Watching, waiting for something.
And why can't I remember a time when I didn't feel like this? I mean, I remember it, but in the same way that I remember, say, my fourteenth birthday. I know it happened, I just can't see or feel it.
This will pass, right? That's what I always say. That tomorrow these dulled senses will be gone and I won't remember what it was like?
But why don't I believe it? Not this time.
It's like something is coming, something catastrophic, like something's been building and I've missed all the signs. A meltdown, a great tragedy of my life, and nothing will be the same, and everything I have will suddenly be taken away and everything I want will stay forever just out of reach.
Why is my life never coming together? Why is it always falling apart?
Why is it that when big things happen to me, they're always bad?
Because that's how I feel right now.
My entire life just feels like this enevitable train wreck. Like I can see where it's going to jump the tracks but no matter how hard I press the brakes, I'm neve rgoing to stop in time.
Because that's what I feel like when I have to ask them for help.
They're like this looming brick wall in my life and no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I always end up smacking into it.
It's terrifying having to ask them for help.
My life just really sucks right now and I don't know how to make it better. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do, to make it better or to dull the pain.
It's like the world has disappeared and there's nothing left between me and this problem that never seems to go away. And I want to scream or die or feel something, but it's like the emotions I need to survive are lurking just beneath the surface, just out of reach. And I don't know how to get to them. There's jus tthis gaping lack of motivation, this lack of sensation.
I have to be missing something right? There's a clue right in front of my face that I'm not seeing? Or I took a wrong turn and now just need to go back?
Have I made a wrong descision, a bad choice, and all I have to do is fix it and everything will be right again? I'll be like other people? I'll feel like other people?
Is it possible that all this Christian crap is right? And that if I'm not walking the path God intended for me, then nothing in my life is going to work out or make sense?
I don't believe it. I mean, I'd almost like to believe it because it would certainly be nice to have an explanation. But the faith just doesn't seem to be there no matter how hard I try.
And I just feel trapped behind the glass.
Watching, waiting for something.
And why can't I remember a time when I didn't feel like this? I mean, I remember it, but in the same way that I remember, say, my fourteenth birthday. I know it happened, I just can't see or feel it.
This will pass, right? That's what I always say. That tomorrow these dulled senses will be gone and I won't remember what it was like?
But why don't I believe it? Not this time.
It's like something is coming, something catastrophic, like something's been building and I've missed all the signs. A meltdown, a great tragedy of my life, and nothing will be the same, and everything I have will suddenly be taken away and everything I want will stay forever just out of reach.
Why is my life never coming together? Why is it always falling apart?
Why is it that when big things happen to me, they're always bad?
Comments