I don't feel good. I mean, I don't feel horrid, but I don't feel good either. I feel....bleech. Does "bleech" had one "e" or two? I spelled it with one at first, but it didn't look right so I added another one. Now it looks better. I'm going to leave it that way.
Before I get too far into this, I should warn you of an unusual occurrence that umm, occurs whenever I get sick or feel like "bleech". That occurrence is kind of like a full moon on other people: I get weird. More so than usual. I get very odd and say random things. I ramble and speak incoherently only to forget just what I was talking about anyway.
This post is going to be one such occurrence. I'm planning on rambling through the entire thing. Though, I'm not quite sure if it really counts if I'm planned it. On the other hand, I didn't really plan it, I simply recognized that it was going to happen with a sufficient amount of time to warn my loyal viewers.
I mentioned I wasn't feeling good, right? I guess I should explain that more. My head hurts. My nose hurts. It's running and irritated. It hurts to have my eyes open and it hurts to close them. Normally I'd leave them in the half-closed, half-open position that doesn't take any effort to maintain, but doing so blurs my vision....which hurts my head more. My neck hurts too. And if you suddenly find yourself exhibiting any of these symptoms, chances are good that they are simply a result of sympathy or hypochondria or you just want to complain that you "feel just as bad as I do so I shouldn't complain".
Don't worry, I'm done complaining. I know people who feel worse than I do. One of them is across the hall from me. She's been vomiting all day. Don't you like how I said "vomiting" instead of "throwing up"? It was my attempt at transference. I bet you're feeling all queasy now, aren't you? You're stomach is probably sloshing around, tossing and turning. You probably feel like you're on a boat, rocking back and forth, back and forth. You're getting a bitter taste in your mouth and a lump in your throat. You think maybe it's just air, so you try to burp, hoping it will clear it up, but then you stop. What if it really is vomit? Do you really want to throw up? You try to swallow it instead but it doesn't work. You try to wash it down with water. You try to think about something else but now you're in so deep, you swear you can smell the bile. Nasty isn't it? Where was I? Oh right, my friend doesn't feel good. But she's doing better now. I got her some ice and some crackers. I also got her some pasta, in case she gets hungry later. I'm a good friend.
A bunch of people at the forum I post at are pissed at me. I know why and frankly I think they're over-reacting, but whatever. It's their choice. I really don't care. Their opinions don't matter. And it's not that the opinions don't matter because of who made them, in general nobody's opinions matter to me. Oh sure, I'll take them in to account. But that's about it. And it's not because I have some sort of superiority complex (they say superiority complexes are just a cover for what is really an inferiority complex). I don't think I'm better than them. Their opinions just don't matter to me. They probably matter to other people but I'm just not that worried about it. I''m very apathetic. Nothing really bugs me. Nothing really matters. My parents always yell at me for this. They seem to think I have to have an opinion about everything. They think I'm indecisive and lazy. They've actually yelled at me about this.
They just don't understand. There's a lot of stuff I just don't care about. To me it isn't important. I don't care if I have a birthday cake. I don't care what restaurant we go to for dinner. I like it cold but I don't care if it snows. I don't care if I never celebrate another birthday or another holiday ever again (except Vikings' Day but it's for a completely different reason). I don't care if I die today, tomorrow, or 47 years down the road.
I'm very apathetic. I've tried to care about these things, but they're just too trivial. Other things matter to me, important things, even though they may not seem important. There are things I care about. There are things I want or don't want. I don't want my socks to match my outfit. I don't want kids. I want to get married. I want to be a published author. I don't want to miss my television shows. I want to see this movie or not see that one.
I want someone to understand just how much I dislike my parents. I want someone to understand, or at least accept, that I am not entirely sane. I don't care if it's a man or a woman. Why does it matter? Why do we have to label things? What makes you think there's such a thing as love? What makes you think it's something that can be boiled down into four letters?
Why do I have to talk about my feelings? Why do I have to have them? Why do I have to care about things? Why do I have to care at all? What would happen if I came to a curve in the road and went straight? If I jumped off a tree-story building into a snow bank, what would it feel like? Would it kill me? Is Death a person? Is God Death or is Death a god? Is there salvation? What are we being saved from? Ourselves? The Devil? Inevitability? Why don't people understand that there are some things we will never be able to fix? And even if we do fix them, it just means something worse will come along. Nature has checks and balances. Just look at Penicillin. We thought it was the cure for everything. Now we're finding more and more people who are allergic to it and more and more bacteria that are resistant to it. We are not at the top of the food chain. There is no top. It's a circle, everything comes around eventually. No matter how hard we make it, whether it's for anti-terrorism or illegal downloading or medicine or whatever, someone will find a way to beat it. There is always a way. Nothing is perfect, nothing is unbreakable. The harder it is, the smarter the opposition will get, then we have to get smarter, then they will get smarter. It won't end it won't stop until we find new ways to live with the current rules. Do I have a way to fix it? Sure, make me ruler of the world. But I don't really see that happening, so no I guess I don't have a way. Guess we'll just have to wait for the Rapture or the Apocalypse or Ragnarok or a new Ice Age or a meteor or whatever.
It's another one of those things that I don't care about. Bang, whimper, fire, ice. It doesn't matter how the world ends because at that point the world will be ended. Who will be left to see it? Who will be left to care?
I doubt I'm gonna be there. And even if I was (can you guess what I'm gonna say next?), I wouldn't care.
I feel grim. Yet strangely, I feel better. My therapist is an idiot. Most therapists are idiots. The whole thing started with talking about feelings and now I can't bring up anything else. It's all about "well, how do you feel?". Moron...though I'm not sure if I'm saying that about her or me.
Therapy hasn't told me anything I didn't already know. I knew I was a control freak. I just didn't want to admit it. There's a lot of things I don't want to admit. Admitting you have a problem is like making an promise to change. I don't want to change. I just want to talk about it. I want it explained but I'm not ready to have it fixed.
You want to know the really funny thing about all of this? Tomorrow, or even a few minutes from now, I won't feel this way (And at this point, it has nothing to do with not feeling good. I'm beyond that. I'm somewhere else.). I won't remember why I said all these things and I won't be able to remember, or even imagine, what it was like to feel this way. I'll be a different person. I'll look back at this, I'll shake my head and I'll say "What on earth was I talking about?". That's the really funny part.
I know it's coming. I can't stop it. I'll be different, I'll be another person than I was when I wrote this. It's hard to explain what will happen, mostly because I don't really know what happens. I know it does and I know what it feels like, but I can't really understand or explain it.
I know it's really funny, though. Maniacally so, insanely so.
It's so funny I'll forget to laugh.
Before I get too far into this, I should warn you of an unusual occurrence that umm, occurs whenever I get sick or feel like "bleech". That occurrence is kind of like a full moon on other people: I get weird. More so than usual. I get very odd and say random things. I ramble and speak incoherently only to forget just what I was talking about anyway.
This post is going to be one such occurrence. I'm planning on rambling through the entire thing. Though, I'm not quite sure if it really counts if I'm planned it. On the other hand, I didn't really plan it, I simply recognized that it was going to happen with a sufficient amount of time to warn my loyal viewers.
I mentioned I wasn't feeling good, right? I guess I should explain that more. My head hurts. My nose hurts. It's running and irritated. It hurts to have my eyes open and it hurts to close them. Normally I'd leave them in the half-closed, half-open position that doesn't take any effort to maintain, but doing so blurs my vision....which hurts my head more. My neck hurts too. And if you suddenly find yourself exhibiting any of these symptoms, chances are good that they are simply a result of sympathy or hypochondria or you just want to complain that you "feel just as bad as I do so I shouldn't complain".
Don't worry, I'm done complaining. I know people who feel worse than I do. One of them is across the hall from me. She's been vomiting all day. Don't you like how I said "vomiting" instead of "throwing up"? It was my attempt at transference. I bet you're feeling all queasy now, aren't you? You're stomach is probably sloshing around, tossing and turning. You probably feel like you're on a boat, rocking back and forth, back and forth. You're getting a bitter taste in your mouth and a lump in your throat. You think maybe it's just air, so you try to burp, hoping it will clear it up, but then you stop. What if it really is vomit? Do you really want to throw up? You try to swallow it instead but it doesn't work. You try to wash it down with water. You try to think about something else but now you're in so deep, you swear you can smell the bile. Nasty isn't it? Where was I? Oh right, my friend doesn't feel good. But she's doing better now. I got her some ice and some crackers. I also got her some pasta, in case she gets hungry later. I'm a good friend.
A bunch of people at the forum I post at are pissed at me. I know why and frankly I think they're over-reacting, but whatever. It's their choice. I really don't care. Their opinions don't matter. And it's not that the opinions don't matter because of who made them, in general nobody's opinions matter to me. Oh sure, I'll take them in to account. But that's about it. And it's not because I have some sort of superiority complex (they say superiority complexes are just a cover for what is really an inferiority complex). I don't think I'm better than them. Their opinions just don't matter to me. They probably matter to other people but I'm just not that worried about it. I''m very apathetic. Nothing really bugs me. Nothing really matters. My parents always yell at me for this. They seem to think I have to have an opinion about everything. They think I'm indecisive and lazy. They've actually yelled at me about this.
They just don't understand. There's a lot of stuff I just don't care about. To me it isn't important. I don't care if I have a birthday cake. I don't care what restaurant we go to for dinner. I like it cold but I don't care if it snows. I don't care if I never celebrate another birthday or another holiday ever again (except Vikings' Day but it's for a completely different reason). I don't care if I die today, tomorrow, or 47 years down the road.
I'm very apathetic. I've tried to care about these things, but they're just too trivial. Other things matter to me, important things, even though they may not seem important. There are things I care about. There are things I want or don't want. I don't want my socks to match my outfit. I don't want kids. I want to get married. I want to be a published author. I don't want to miss my television shows. I want to see this movie or not see that one.
I want someone to understand just how much I dislike my parents. I want someone to understand, or at least accept, that I am not entirely sane. I don't care if it's a man or a woman. Why does it matter? Why do we have to label things? What makes you think there's such a thing as love? What makes you think it's something that can be boiled down into four letters?
Why do I have to talk about my feelings? Why do I have to have them? Why do I have to care about things? Why do I have to care at all? What would happen if I came to a curve in the road and went straight? If I jumped off a tree-story building into a snow bank, what would it feel like? Would it kill me? Is Death a person? Is God Death or is Death a god? Is there salvation? What are we being saved from? Ourselves? The Devil? Inevitability? Why don't people understand that there are some things we will never be able to fix? And even if we do fix them, it just means something worse will come along. Nature has checks and balances. Just look at Penicillin. We thought it was the cure for everything. Now we're finding more and more people who are allergic to it and more and more bacteria that are resistant to it. We are not at the top of the food chain. There is no top. It's a circle, everything comes around eventually. No matter how hard we make it, whether it's for anti-terrorism or illegal downloading or medicine or whatever, someone will find a way to beat it. There is always a way. Nothing is perfect, nothing is unbreakable. The harder it is, the smarter the opposition will get, then we have to get smarter, then they will get smarter. It won't end it won't stop until we find new ways to live with the current rules. Do I have a way to fix it? Sure, make me ruler of the world. But I don't really see that happening, so no I guess I don't have a way. Guess we'll just have to wait for the Rapture or the Apocalypse or Ragnarok or a new Ice Age or a meteor or whatever.
It's another one of those things that I don't care about. Bang, whimper, fire, ice. It doesn't matter how the world ends because at that point the world will be ended. Who will be left to see it? Who will be left to care?
I doubt I'm gonna be there. And even if I was (can you guess what I'm gonna say next?), I wouldn't care.
I feel grim. Yet strangely, I feel better. My therapist is an idiot. Most therapists are idiots. The whole thing started with talking about feelings and now I can't bring up anything else. It's all about "well, how do you feel?". Moron...though I'm not sure if I'm saying that about her or me.
Therapy hasn't told me anything I didn't already know. I knew I was a control freak. I just didn't want to admit it. There's a lot of things I don't want to admit. Admitting you have a problem is like making an promise to change. I don't want to change. I just want to talk about it. I want it explained but I'm not ready to have it fixed.
You want to know the really funny thing about all of this? Tomorrow, or even a few minutes from now, I won't feel this way (And at this point, it has nothing to do with not feeling good. I'm beyond that. I'm somewhere else.). I won't remember why I said all these things and I won't be able to remember, or even imagine, what it was like to feel this way. I'll be a different person. I'll look back at this, I'll shake my head and I'll say "What on earth was I talking about?". That's the really funny part.
I know it's coming. I can't stop it. I'll be different, I'll be another person than I was when I wrote this. It's hard to explain what will happen, mostly because I don't really know what happens. I know it does and I know what it feels like, but I can't really understand or explain it.
I know it's really funny, though. Maniacally so, insanely so.
It's so funny I'll forget to laugh.
Comments