I get it. You're pissed. You're mad because you think I've said something I shouldn't have. Maybe I did. Maybe the question I asked isn't one you're ready to handle. Maybe you'll never be ready to handle it.
But I said it. I can't take it back. And I'm sorry you're mad at me. I'm sorry that causing you to doubt yourself is so offensive.
I did it for a reason. And I had the best intentions in mind, roads to hell aside.
I did it because the question was hanging in the air. I asked it because it was obvious to me. And when something's obvious to me, I think it should be obvious to the people it involves. I would rather have you made at me for asking it, then not have asked it at all.
I can understand why you don't want it asked. You've built your life around it. Everything you've done and everything you do is with this goal in mind. I get that you can't handle the doubt because it presents the possibility that everything you've done has all been in vain.
But I hate to see you push yourself like this. I hate to see you punish yourself like this. I know it's a horrible thing to say, but sometimes faith can be misplaced. Sometimes just having faith in someone isn't enough to allow them the skills to get the job done.
You struggle with this path. You struggle with it every day. It hurts you. It breaks you. It tears you down.
I can see your determination. I can see how hard you are working to make this dream come true. I know that you are sure this is what you want and I know you'll work yourself to death to get there.
That's what I'm afraid of. Yes, I'm aware that dreams don't just happen. I'm aware that dreams need to be worked for. But are you supposed to be working this hard? Dreams are something you should be enjoying. Even as you work for them, you should still feel the joy of knowing your dream is coming true. That's what I feel when I write. Even when I'm frustrated beyond belief. Even when I can't seem to get things to fit or can't seem to bolt down just what I'm trying to say, I still feel the joy of doing something that I love.
I don't see that in you. I see you working towards this goal because you've known all your life this is where you'd end up. I don't see you enjoying it. All I see are the struggles. The pain of pushing yourself so hard and so far. And the pain doesn't seem to end. I don't see your face light up when you take about this. I don't see a spark of hope that this will all be what you want in the end.
Are you doing this because you want to? Or because you think you're supposed to? Because you've known all your life that this is what you want to do?
I know this may be a dark and bleak way to look at things, but it is how I see them. Some people are not meant to fulfill their dreams. Some dreams are out of reach. Sometimes, no matter how hard you work or how bad you want it, you never reach your goal. Maybe you are not meant for this path, no matter how much you want to be. Maybe you should find a different dream.
Hearing this would probably only make things worse, make you even more angry at me. But I have never been one to shy away. Whether I get hurt or someone else does, I feel that what must be said must be said. I will not spare your feelings, just as I hope you will not spare mine.
I have questioned your choosen path in life. I have made you question your path. And you're not happy about it. I get that. I really do.
But if bringing up doubt makes you so angry, if asking this question makes you so upset, it only begs another question: why are you upset? Because I've brought in doubt? Or because I've said something that you didn't want to hear? Or didn't want to admit.
It has long been my belief that doubt cannot be created by asking a question. I beleive that asking question will only reveal doubt that already exists. By bringing it up, I haven't introduced something new to you. I have simply brought to life something you try with all your might to keep hidden.
And you know what that says to me? It says that deep down inside, this isn't what you want. It says to me that you work harder at convincing yourself that this is your goal even harder than you work at the goal itself.
You can question my life. You can accuse me of hiding or taking the easy way out. You can say to me "well, maybe you're having problems as a writer because you're not meant to be a writer." You can say "well, maybe your fear of never succeeding as an author is your way of telling yourself that you're not meant to be an author."
You can ask that. But I will have an answer for you.
I don't know if my writing will amount to anything. I don't know if I'll succeed in this path. But I will walk it all the same. Because at the end of the day I know it is what I want. It doesn't matter to me if I succeed. I know that I am talented. I will finish my novels and I will try with everything I have to get them published. If they don't make it, it is beyond my control. I will do everything possible to become a world-famous, published novelist. Beyond what I am capable of, I trust God. I trust Fate. I don't know where this path will lead. But I will walk it because I am meant to.
You know where your path leads. But you are unsure if you will make it.
I ask these questions because they exist. I can feel them hanging in the air. If you will not ask yourself, then I will ask you.
I do it because I care. I want you to be happy where you end up and I want you to be happy getting there. Are you happy?
If you are, then I was wrong. If you are, then I have read too much into things, I have created things that aren't there.
But you're not happy, are you? If I thought you were, I wouldn't have asked the question...the question wouldn't have even existed.
Just because you want to do it, doesn't mean you can. There is no shame in that.
And just because you think you're supposed to, just because you've always seen this path for yourself, doesn't mean it's what you want.
You need to find a balance. Everything is about balance. Between what you want and what you can do. A Venn Diagram for life.
I didn't create the doubt. I just revealed it. Hate me if you wish. You won't offend me. I do what I do only to help. If I'm not helping, if I'm ineffective, so be it. That is something that I must deal with.
But if I am helping, even if you don't want to admit it, even if you want to stay mad at me for it, then that is on you.
I didn't do it to create doubt. I did it only to show you what you were unwilling to see.
Hate me for that. Punish me for that. But don't punish yourself. Don't keep yourself trapped in a life you don't really want.
You call me your "conscience". You come to me for advice. You ask me for help. You ask me because I can show you things that you don't see. I can show you things you don't want to see.
You told me the problem. I gave you a path to an answer. But you have to decide if it's the right answer. I can't do it for you and I won't. It might now be the right path. You might not even consider this path an option. But none the less, I have opened the gate. I have asked the question you don't want to hear.
Hate me for that. Hate me for asking it. Hate me for making you choose. But, whatever you do, for your future and for your happiness, make sure you choose.
Unanswered questions never go away.
But I said it. I can't take it back. And I'm sorry you're mad at me. I'm sorry that causing you to doubt yourself is so offensive.
I did it for a reason. And I had the best intentions in mind, roads to hell aside.
I did it because the question was hanging in the air. I asked it because it was obvious to me. And when something's obvious to me, I think it should be obvious to the people it involves. I would rather have you made at me for asking it, then not have asked it at all.
I can understand why you don't want it asked. You've built your life around it. Everything you've done and everything you do is with this goal in mind. I get that you can't handle the doubt because it presents the possibility that everything you've done has all been in vain.
But I hate to see you push yourself like this. I hate to see you punish yourself like this. I know it's a horrible thing to say, but sometimes faith can be misplaced. Sometimes just having faith in someone isn't enough to allow them the skills to get the job done.
You struggle with this path. You struggle with it every day. It hurts you. It breaks you. It tears you down.
I can see your determination. I can see how hard you are working to make this dream come true. I know that you are sure this is what you want and I know you'll work yourself to death to get there.
That's what I'm afraid of. Yes, I'm aware that dreams don't just happen. I'm aware that dreams need to be worked for. But are you supposed to be working this hard? Dreams are something you should be enjoying. Even as you work for them, you should still feel the joy of knowing your dream is coming true. That's what I feel when I write. Even when I'm frustrated beyond belief. Even when I can't seem to get things to fit or can't seem to bolt down just what I'm trying to say, I still feel the joy of doing something that I love.
I don't see that in you. I see you working towards this goal because you've known all your life this is where you'd end up. I don't see you enjoying it. All I see are the struggles. The pain of pushing yourself so hard and so far. And the pain doesn't seem to end. I don't see your face light up when you take about this. I don't see a spark of hope that this will all be what you want in the end.
Are you doing this because you want to? Or because you think you're supposed to? Because you've known all your life that this is what you want to do?
I know this may be a dark and bleak way to look at things, but it is how I see them. Some people are not meant to fulfill their dreams. Some dreams are out of reach. Sometimes, no matter how hard you work or how bad you want it, you never reach your goal. Maybe you are not meant for this path, no matter how much you want to be. Maybe you should find a different dream.
Hearing this would probably only make things worse, make you even more angry at me. But I have never been one to shy away. Whether I get hurt or someone else does, I feel that what must be said must be said. I will not spare your feelings, just as I hope you will not spare mine.
I have questioned your choosen path in life. I have made you question your path. And you're not happy about it. I get that. I really do.
But if bringing up doubt makes you so angry, if asking this question makes you so upset, it only begs another question: why are you upset? Because I've brought in doubt? Or because I've said something that you didn't want to hear? Or didn't want to admit.
It has long been my belief that doubt cannot be created by asking a question. I beleive that asking question will only reveal doubt that already exists. By bringing it up, I haven't introduced something new to you. I have simply brought to life something you try with all your might to keep hidden.
And you know what that says to me? It says that deep down inside, this isn't what you want. It says to me that you work harder at convincing yourself that this is your goal even harder than you work at the goal itself.
You can question my life. You can accuse me of hiding or taking the easy way out. You can say to me "well, maybe you're having problems as a writer because you're not meant to be a writer." You can say "well, maybe your fear of never succeeding as an author is your way of telling yourself that you're not meant to be an author."
You can ask that. But I will have an answer for you.
I don't know if my writing will amount to anything. I don't know if I'll succeed in this path. But I will walk it all the same. Because at the end of the day I know it is what I want. It doesn't matter to me if I succeed. I know that I am talented. I will finish my novels and I will try with everything I have to get them published. If they don't make it, it is beyond my control. I will do everything possible to become a world-famous, published novelist. Beyond what I am capable of, I trust God. I trust Fate. I don't know where this path will lead. But I will walk it because I am meant to.
You know where your path leads. But you are unsure if you will make it.
I ask these questions because they exist. I can feel them hanging in the air. If you will not ask yourself, then I will ask you.
I do it because I care. I want you to be happy where you end up and I want you to be happy getting there. Are you happy?
If you are, then I was wrong. If you are, then I have read too much into things, I have created things that aren't there.
But you're not happy, are you? If I thought you were, I wouldn't have asked the question...the question wouldn't have even existed.
Just because you want to do it, doesn't mean you can. There is no shame in that.
And just because you think you're supposed to, just because you've always seen this path for yourself, doesn't mean it's what you want.
You need to find a balance. Everything is about balance. Between what you want and what you can do. A Venn Diagram for life.
I didn't create the doubt. I just revealed it. Hate me if you wish. You won't offend me. I do what I do only to help. If I'm not helping, if I'm ineffective, so be it. That is something that I must deal with.
But if I am helping, even if you don't want to admit it, even if you want to stay mad at me for it, then that is on you.
I didn't do it to create doubt. I did it only to show you what you were unwilling to see.
Hate me for that. Punish me for that. But don't punish yourself. Don't keep yourself trapped in a life you don't really want.
You call me your "conscience". You come to me for advice. You ask me for help. You ask me because I can show you things that you don't see. I can show you things you don't want to see.
You told me the problem. I gave you a path to an answer. But you have to decide if it's the right answer. I can't do it for you and I won't. It might now be the right path. You might not even consider this path an option. But none the less, I have opened the gate. I have asked the question you don't want to hear.
Hate me for that. Hate me for asking it. Hate me for making you choose. But, whatever you do, for your future and for your happiness, make sure you choose.
Unanswered questions never go away.
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