Rituals.

I wish I had been better known. But I've enjoyed it all the same. And there's the theory that it will always been here to be found....although, I've looked for it on Google and haven't actually found it. Anyway. Maybe someday, someone will know me. If the Afterlife allows, know that I'll miss you.

I know I just posted something like 2 or 3...months ago, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to add something else. That job I was having trouble with? Well, I'm not having trouble with it anymore. And it's not because of an improvement in my performance. It sucks. It really sucks. I was happy. I was building friendships. I saw, for the first time, my own possible future. Well, on to new things. If I can figure out a decent reason to stick around.

So, I had some things to say. But I can't remember them. I'll try and think of them later. Having an issue with work. Just frustration with my own performance, as for all other accounts, I'm doing fine (I'm still fairly new, and my productivity is quite high. And even though I'm getting 'bought 3 times as many errors, I'm also doing 3 times the work in that specific area (I know you don't know what I'm talking about, but you don't need to, so it's okay.)). I think I'm just irritated that I'm not doing better at something I know I should be doing better at. But I do recall during the interview process thinking to myself that my memory and general talent for drifting off might cause a problem. I guess I was right. Oh well. At least I'm getting paid well. So I'll post something else later. The poem things or whatever, if I get around to it. Adios. :sigh: I have to clean tomorrow.

You can see it, but I'm doing a happy dance. I got a job! Finally. And it's not at Indianwood and has nothing to do with that bitch that was my boss. True, it's an hour drive to Holland... (It's an hour because I moved to Lowell, remember?) ...but I'm getting paid about $10 an hour. And it involves, essentially, organization , which I love, and NO Customer Service. Hoo -rah. Hopefully this will be a job I can actually work for a while. And I'll have plenty of time to write on the side...actually, it's more like working on the side, since I'm really trying to get my writing back into the center ring. Though, I still have to decide if I want to join the military. Actually, I'm about 80% sure that I do, but I know that I want to wait until we have a new president. I don't support the current one, so I really don't want to fight his freakin ' war. Plus, I'm just a tad out of shape. Anyway. On to other stuff. Things are good, more or les...

So I haven't posted in like, what? Three months? Sorry, had stuff on my plate. By the way, I've moved out of my parents. I'm now living in Lowell (just outside Grand Rapids) with my aunt, her husband, and her new son. Well, new by 8 months. I realize that moving in with my aunt is not much different than living with one's parents. But considering how much I hated living with my parents (and how much I simply dislike my parents are people), it's a considerable step up for me. Plus, maybe now I can actually find a job.

I am very restless. Everything I love about my life is gone. The freedom from living on my own, my friends, a job I liked, the chance to do or buy things I enjoyed. Even my computer is shut down. I miss... I'm not sure what I miss. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Other than a new job. Because I really, really hate the one I have now. But there are...circumstances that I'm afraid will interfere with a job change. Both are the results of some incredibly stupid acts. Things no one has any idea about. And I don't even have any one to tell them to anymore. I can't see how it could be my fault, but it's such a strong repeating pattern that I'm afraid I'm just being arrogant. Everyone's just...gone. It's like I am nothing but a supporting character, base camp when you're climbing a mountain. You start here, with me, and you come back when you need something, but I'm niether the point nor goal nor something to look forward to. It's lik...

I don't have a lot of time, since I need to get to work. But I just wanted to give a quick update so that the last thing I've said on here isn't an angry rant about how mad I am (well, now it's "was") and a looming suicide threat. I'm fine, really. Disappointed about a lot of things in my life, sad even, but life goes on. I'll try and get something up soon. Adios.

Do you have any idea how stupid what you just pulled was? You don’t, do you? You’ve been so oblivious to how I’ve felt all summer that you’ve completely missed the fact that I’ve been depressed and suicidal. So under those circumstances, of course it seemed like a good idea to gang up on my and tell me how much I hurt your feelings one time. No matter that I’ve been pissed at you all summer. No matter that I have to be completely outraged by what you did in order to keep myself from going absolutely insane with depression. And of course you don’t care that I had a hard time breathing as I was driving home because I’ve been deserted, again, by my friends. No matter that I am so sick of being treated this way, that it makes me violently ill. No matter that this is what I’ve had happen with every friend I’ve ever had. No matter that, goddamit, you actually have the power to make me weep. No matter that it’s not the first time. No matter that I’ve done it more this summer than in the rest ...

But Such a Sweet Sixteen I have a pain in my heart My empty, black heart A rock Has been swallowed by my fear And now resides Deep inside Grinding against the walls The soft tissue The blood will not flow And I fear It will mean my death It pulses As nothing does And in public I must hide my face Lest someone see the effect it has But it seems so obvious Wearing it beneath my clothes Like a despicable growth And even now it begs to be fed It surges at my touch And even the slimmest of thoughts The barest of images Seems to provoke it Even now This simple conversation Has flared this fire to life And I yearn So much To be free of it I did not ask for this The lessons were taught But they did not prepare me for this The lessons were learned But they were incomplete And surely my failure cannot be solely mine If they had but told… If they had but shared… If they had but known… But, ah, they would have to know And they do not And so I dealt with this sickness The surest way I knew how And ...

You are driving me absolutely nuts. We're all the same age, so why do I feel like the only adult?