Rituals.

You can see it, but I'm doing a happy dance. I got a job! Finally. And it's not at Indianwood and has nothing to do with that bitch that was my boss. True, it's an hour drive to Holland... (It's an hour because I moved to Lowell, remember?) ...but I'm getting paid about $10 an hour. And it involves, essentially, organization , which I love, and NO Customer Service. Hoo -rah. Hopefully this will be a job I can actually work for a while. And I'll have plenty of time to write on the side...actually, it's more like working on the side, since I'm really trying to get my writing back into the center ring. Though, I still have to decide if I want to join the military. Actually, I'm about 80% sure that I do, but I know that I want to wait until we have a new president. I don't support the current one, so I really don't want to fight his freakin ' war. Plus, I'm just a tad out of shape. Anyway. On to other stuff. Things are good, more or les...

So I haven't posted in like, what? Three months? Sorry, had stuff on my plate. By the way, I've moved out of my parents. I'm now living in Lowell (just outside Grand Rapids) with my aunt, her husband, and her new son. Well, new by 8 months. I realize that moving in with my aunt is not much different than living with one's parents. But considering how much I hated living with my parents (and how much I simply dislike my parents are people), it's a considerable step up for me. Plus, maybe now I can actually find a job.

I am very restless. Everything I love about my life is gone. The freedom from living on my own, my friends, a job I liked, the chance to do or buy things I enjoyed. Even my computer is shut down. I miss... I'm not sure what I miss. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Other than a new job. Because I really, really hate the one I have now. But there are...circumstances that I'm afraid will interfere with a job change. Both are the results of some incredibly stupid acts. Things no one has any idea about. And I don't even have any one to tell them to anymore. I can't see how it could be my fault, but it's such a strong repeating pattern that I'm afraid I'm just being arrogant. Everyone's just...gone. It's like I am nothing but a supporting character, base camp when you're climbing a mountain. You start here, with me, and you come back when you need something, but I'm niether the point nor goal nor something to look forward to. It's lik...

I don't have a lot of time, since I need to get to work. But I just wanted to give a quick update so that the last thing I've said on here isn't an angry rant about how mad I am (well, now it's "was") and a looming suicide threat. I'm fine, really. Disappointed about a lot of things in my life, sad even, but life goes on. I'll try and get something up soon. Adios.

Do you have any idea how stupid what you just pulled was? You don’t, do you? You’ve been so oblivious to how I’ve felt all summer that you’ve completely missed the fact that I’ve been depressed and suicidal. So under those circumstances, of course it seemed like a good idea to gang up on my and tell me how much I hurt your feelings one time. No matter that I’ve been pissed at you all summer. No matter that I have to be completely outraged by what you did in order to keep myself from going absolutely insane with depression. And of course you don’t care that I had a hard time breathing as I was driving home because I’ve been deserted, again, by my friends. No matter that I am so sick of being treated this way, that it makes me violently ill. No matter that this is what I’ve had happen with every friend I’ve ever had. No matter that, goddamit, you actually have the power to make me weep. No matter that it’s not the first time. No matter that I’ve done it more this summer than in the rest ...

But Such a Sweet Sixteen I have a pain in my heart My empty, black heart A rock Has been swallowed by my fear And now resides Deep inside Grinding against the walls The soft tissue The blood will not flow And I fear It will mean my death It pulses As nothing does And in public I must hide my face Lest someone see the effect it has But it seems so obvious Wearing it beneath my clothes Like a despicable growth And even now it begs to be fed It surges at my touch And even the slimmest of thoughts The barest of images Seems to provoke it Even now This simple conversation Has flared this fire to life And I yearn So much To be free of it I did not ask for this The lessons were taught But they did not prepare me for this The lessons were learned But they were incomplete And surely my failure cannot be solely mine If they had but told… If they had but shared… If they had but known… But, ah, they would have to know And they do not And so I dealt with this sickness The surest way I knew how And ...

You are driving me absolutely nuts. We're all the same age, so why do I feel like the only adult?

A Caution: _____ These words are not for you _____ They are for the Intended _____ The Stability _____ Who has yet to make an appearance _____ If you are unprepared for this Burden _____ We will both crumble under its weight _____ I say these words simply because they Demand to be said _____ And not because I want you to hear them By Way of Introduction: _____ Ah, such foolishness was brewed this night that brings about these _____ thoughts _____ But they command to be written and so I do _____ Ever a slave to the English language and all the sensual coaxing of _____ the Word _____ And even as I write them, my mind fights the effects, adds to the _____ effects and begs me to leave it be. _____ But, sigh, I never can _____ For in all the things I’ve ever learned _____ And they number many _____ I have never learned when, or how, to simply stop. The Meat: _____ There is a drift _____ A tide _____ That ever pulls my car _____ It would be such an easy thing _____ To release the wheel _____...

I know. But please don't. I know you have the best intentions but don't wish it for me, because I already know it isn't going to be. So if you could just let it slip by without mentioning it (the day after is okay, but don't be too excited about it), I'd appreciate it.

Since they seem to be the only things I can write lately, here's a few more poems. I know, I hate it too. Seeking: A Man of Intellectual Means (Or “Where Have All the Potentials Gone?) A case of self-destruction The clues Spontaneity Frivolity Sloth Lack of reverence Lack of self-control Internalized issues That fester and boil and break the skin The Cable was a mistake It snapped And I fell Left on the ground With coils winding about The Hope was a mistake The expectation of it all It was not so much that the world failed me But that I sat And waited on lightning When the conditions did not warrant its appearance Oh despair, despair At this woman in red who has walked through my door Trouble she brings with her Clinging to her hem The Petulant Child Oh despair, despair At this mysterious Hound An option it brings That I have yet to consider The Unsettling Question Alas, that nothing is as it seems This Hidden Enemy This Unseen force This Drive behind it All A tack A nail A spike T...