Ahh, that's some good lemonade.

I have a new new job. I lost the old new job. I have a new new friend. The old new friend isn't much of a friend.

But it's all an improvement. I enjoy the new new job better. The new new friend is a great friend. I miss her. But she's busy getting better. That's more important than finding time to play cards with me.

There's a new purpose to my support group, which is better than the old purpose. Which was no purpose.

I almost feel not depressed. Almost. I still feel it in the back of my mind, like a warm sweater wrapped around my cerebellum. I don't know that it will ever go away. I don't know that I want it to go away. It's too familiar. Too much of a safety net to fall back on. I'm sure that's what my therapist would say too. But I don't know how I feel about him sometimes. He feels like a friend. But a nagging friend. And we're not working on the problem I want to work on.

Interjection: I called a new lawyer, finally, since the last one didn't help at all. I'm finally getting some teeth pulled that have needed it for such a long time.

The problem I want to work on is getting my emotions back. Caring about things again. And I don't know how to do that. 

Maybe they can't just come back. Maybe they have to be invested in something. Maybe I have to find people and things I want to care about, and then start caring about them.

Sometimes, it's not that I don't care, but rather I know I don't have to care. That I can stop any time I want. That it can all just suddenly mean nothing to me.

Maybe I need people and things to care about me? Well, that's ridiculous. I know plenty of people who care about me. And things, generally, don't care at all. They're even more emotionless then I am.

Maybe I just need ONE person to care about me in a very specific way. Maybe I need my man in the mirror. The one, well, let's just admit it: my soulmate.

And where does he happen to be? Obviously I wish I knew. Or had a clue. Like, is he on the Eastern seaboard? Is he in the United States? Does he speak English? That would be helpful. Is he looking for me? That would he be helpful too.

Does he even want someone like me? Because if he doesn't know we're meant to be together, or is interested in other types of people, that could be a serious barricade to a relationship.

I started being active on OkCupid again. I met a guy. I thought, hmm, this has possibilities. On paper, he was excellent. On the phone he was not. And there was no spark. And I may not feel a physical spark, but I sure as hell have felt an intellectual spark. And it wasn't there. It was a piece of wood the day after it rained submerged in four feet of water. Way to damp to make a fire.

I told him as much. But in a much nicer way. He wasn't discouraged. He still wanted to see my boobs.

Awesome. Just what I've always wanted as a relationship: Friends with Benefits. (He was very obsessed with sex. Which he told me straight up that he was hypersexual. He seemed to think it would work with me because I wasn't so much into regular sex, but that I might be willing to try less sexual things. He seemed to keep missing the part where I told him there had to be a strong emotional connection first. Hint, hint. Nope, didn't catch it.) That's alright. I was probably lying about being willing to try stuff anyway.

Sometimes I lie without knowing I'm lying. I just naturally respond with what the person wants to hear.

The biggest problem wasn't that he was obsessed with sex and constantly talked about it. The biggest problem was that, despite his insistence that he liked talking with me because I talked back and asked questions too, I spent the entire conversations going "yeah," "uh-huh," "yup," etc. I don't think I even got to ask a question. And he claimed Christianity was important to him, but that didn't come up once either. Just sex and how girls had done him wrong.

But he did ask me for some advice. About another girl. I gave it to him and I hope it works out well with her. It certainly isn't working out with me.

Had another guy message me saying he too crochets. I think he literally spelled every other word wrong. After about two hours where I didn't respond, because I hadn't had the chance, he told me "oh, I get it" and went away. Pretty sure he spelled it wrong too.

Had another guy message me. He was 26. I told him he was too young for me. He said it was just five years. I told him we also had nothing in common. He went away.

I'm not one for dating just to date. Especially not online.

And what's with people putting "If you want to know anything, just ask me" as their profile? Someone DID ask. The website. Now talk about yourself.

I'm a firm believer that the only person you will always have to live with is yourself, so you'd better like who you are. So if you can't extoll your own virtues or don't have any self-esteem, you need to go to therapy and work on that.  I don't think I know anyone who likes someone who doesn't like themselves.

:sigh: I miss him. Yes. There was a "him" for a little while. Just as friends, opposite coasts and all. He said he wasn't a good friend and that he'd eventually abandon me. He did. And I can't even email him and call him a dick because, if he bothered to respond, his response would pretty much just be "toldja." And that's just not fair.

I liked having him as a friend. He was good for me. And I'll admit, I was willing to move. I didn't want to, but I was willing. And I don't care if I'm in a relationship where the person doesn't have a lot of time for me. I'm fairly self-sufficient. I just need someone to be there at the right times. Like when I need you. Or when I'm hungry and the sink is full of dirty dishes.

I've sent out a fair number of messages myself, to people who seemed interesting. None of them messaged me back. Which makes me assume they are no longer active on the site. Because I send a GREAT first impression message.

And I've spent an entire post talking about boys. Geez, I really must be feeling better....Maybe I cried at that documentary because it was sad and not because my meds weren't strong enough? And I've gotten a lot of stress lifted off my shoulders in the past few days (stress is always a major depression trigger).

Look Ma, I'm cured.

...for now.