ROFL

-

Some personal favorites.

  • According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table. Because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
  • When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
  • Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
  • Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
  • Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
  • Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  • Chuck Norris can speak braille.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
  • On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
  • Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
  • Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  • Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
  • Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  • Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
  • Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
  • Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  • Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
  • Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
  • Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
  • Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
  • Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.
  • Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
  • Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  • Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
  • When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
  • Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
  • Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
  • Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
  • Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
  • The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  • The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding
  • Outer space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris
  • Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open
  • Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk and Kill.
  • Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
  • Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72. And they're all poisonous.
  • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says "Two seconds til." After you ask "Two seconds til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
  • If you spell "Chuck Norris" in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  • Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor and still owes him a beer.
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  • Time waits for no man.Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  • Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
  • Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
  • In the first Jurassic Park movie, the T-Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the T-Rex AND the jeep.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

-
OF ALL THE STUPID @#$%^*&(*%$#@!@#$^%&*((*&^%$#Q@$#$%&*^&()) I HATE when I do that. I accidently deleted everything I was working on. So I apologize 'cause I'm not writing it again. I'll give you the short version of everything I was gonna say. 1. Fear Factor has little to do with fear, it should be called Stunt Factor...and it sucks 2. Comedies are too sappy, but only some of them suck 3. My buddies at Cinescape don't suck, and here's a nice shout-out for them: Osirus, Jakester, Rosetta, Meathead, Skiv, Wallflower, Neglet, Fredcomics, Rexxax or Rezzax or something like that, umm......Daforce, Slamshut, LeiterCIA, and I know I'm missing a ton but in no way am I trying to diss you, I just have a really crappy memory 4. Had a nice little chat the other night got to talk to some great people, so shout out to them (Luigi, BeauBetabi aka Cool Guy, Mr. Black, and I think that's everyone who was from CA) 5. People I miss from CA: A...
Read more

There is no such thing as "racism"

-
Do you know what one of the main problems is with modern day society? We're taught not to discriminate based on race. And while that might seem like a good thing, and you might be rather outraged right now, the entire concept is fundamentally flawed. The problem is that teaching people this concept instills them with the idea that there is such a thing as "race." There isn't. "Race" is a socially construct based on a person physical appearance or geographic location. Genetically, there is no basic difference between one person and the next. Obviously, because we're all different, there are genetic deviations. But there is nothing to establish "race." There might be differences based on a person's ancestral geographic home, where an entire group of people gathered in a specific type of environment and procreated based out of a small genetic pool. And there might be physical differences because of those environments and the extensive amount o...
Read more
-
Image
So I took this quiz that I picked up from one of my friend's blog sites. It's interesting. Anyway, here are my results, I'm not gonna say whether I think they're acurate or not. I'll leave my opinion at "interesting". You can decide for yourself if you think it's right or not. You have wings of STEEL . No one's really sure why, but at this point in your life you've shut off emotion to the point of extreme apathy. You are cold and indifferent much of the time...or perhaps you're just a good pretender. Next to impossible to get close to, even those who do never see the real you. It's entirely possible that YOU don't even know the real you. You have a certain fascination or attraction to destruction on a massive scale - disasters, perhaps even death or the concept of the Apocalypse. Because you hold so much inside, one day you're simply going to snap. Then the mask will fall away, and your true wings will be revealed. Until then...
Read more

The Razor

-
I know, I know. It remains the oddest freakin' thing about me. I'm terrified of sharks. More than terrified, really. And I can't watching them in movies (excluding Deep Blue Sea). But I love, LOVE watching documentaries about them. It's so entertaining. I think the main difference is intent. In movies, the sharks are given motives and motivation. They "want" to kill humans. They stalk their prey. And in documentaries, we're just following along with their natural behavior. As I've said before, I actually like sharks quite a bit. But I'm still scared to death of them. If for some reason, I ever ended up in salt water, just floating...? It's just....so terrifying that I can't even comprehend what my reaction would be. My brain would be stuck, overloading between panic and all the things I shouldn't do. And on top of that list is continuing with this particular topic. So right, in movies. There are so many flaws in these things and many ha...
Read more
-
I know, I know. It's been over a month since I posted. I'm sorry. Really! ... ... ... Okay, so not really. Not to mention, I did warn you all that I was now in Bad Internet Territory and I wouldn't be posting as much...at least, I think I warned you. Maybe that was someone else... Anyway, I posting now. So get over it. Plus Ringo has been bugging me about updating. Look I updated! Happy? No? Well, then it's probably got nothing to do with me. So: news: Ringo got a job. Yay! John went to London. Yay! John came back....not sure if that's a yay. I'll have to wait and see what she got me. Umm. Work is good. Home is...well, if you know me, then you know that answer to that. I'm good. Today's my birthday. The Pistons won the NBA Finals. Dogdeball is a really, really funny movie. What? What did I say a minute ago? Ummm...the Pistons won the NBA Finals? Before that? I'm good? Birthday? No, I didn't say anything about...
Read more

Spy vs. Spy

-
So I figure I should actually bother to say something of substance. Or at least something of the average amount of substance I usually offer. Although, perhaps I shouldn't go with "average" either. But anyway, something of substance. First off, I added a quote. You might notice that it's also the quote of the day, but only if you're reading this post on the day I post it. Otherwise the quote of the day obviously won't be the quote of the day. But let's move past the obvious. Sort of. Because the next thing I was planning on mentioning was both another "you might notice" and another "obvious." Anyway, it was "You might have noticed that I added a hit counter at the bottom of the right information column (not that there's a left information column)." Anyway, again, since no one ever leaves a comment, I figured now at least I'd get some chance to spy on the people spying on me. See, "Spy vs. Spy" makes sense. Al...
Read more

The Two Seperate Categories of Evil and Ken Jennings

-
So the other day, Saturday or something, I made a chocolate cake (Devil's food) and it was from a box, but it now has a full cup of pudding! Anyway, so I then added some chocolate chips, and made buttercream frosting, which is excellent by the way. And while I'm making this, from the point of getting out a stick of butter to the final frosting, Sara frequently reminds me that I'm evil, and I also remind her of that fact because I know how much she enjoys calling me evil. I think she is most fond of it right after I've handed her a no-longer needed utensil that is covered in either batter or frosting. But the point. Sara comments on how she's going to gather all of her self-control and not eat a bunch of it. Well, fortunately for her, I apparently am not immune to my own evil. The Cake is Gone. But now, on to Ken Jennings, who despite what you might be thinking, has no relation to the evil topic. I simply want to state that this man is much, much smarter than we all ...
Read more