:sigh: I'm in a very sighing mood. I'm not sure why. I don't think I'm ever really sure why I feel the way I feel at the particular moment I'm feeling it. That should make sense but I'm not sure if it actually does.
Anyway. It's been a while since I wrote something so I figured I should, well, write something.
My nose is clouded with the smell of warmth. It's a faint burning smell from a hot lamp mixed with the salt of my flesh and the faint perfume of my shampoo.
The burning is the strongest. It makes me think of fire. Not like a campfire, more like a warehouse fire. Makes me think of flames all around, lancing up and down the sides of discarded wooden crates. My uncle's business makes shipping crates. I imagine that he would be disappointed by the joy I get from this vision. The fire is orange. Warm. Like a blanket you would curl up in if you never wanted to wake up. Sometimes I don't want to wake up. Many times I don't want to wake up. Sleeping Beauty had it made. The world revolved around her. Everyone waiting, holding their breath for that moment when the world would be perfect enough for her to return. True love. The evil vanquished. Everything she had ever known sleeping alongside her while the rest of the world shed their evil ways. Everyone heard about Sleeping Beauty. She was so mysterious that she was stunning.
In the end, though, I think I feel sorry for her. Life was only perfect while she was asleep. I mean, with such a legend to live up to, could the real Sleeping Beauty ever be enough? When the Prince paraded her around to magnify his own glory, don't you think that people probably responded with a "wait, that's the Sleeping Beauty?"?
Poor child. The world was created for her and in the end, she didn't even fit in it.
You know, that makes me think. What exactly is a "happily ever after"? Sure it seems obvious, but there's got to be more to it than the surface would suggest. It can't really be a life where every day is like the day you met, where everything is sunshine and white picket fences. Can it? I mean, there has to be the fighting, the disagreements, right?
Of course there is. There has to be, because that is life. But fairy tales get to end early. They get to say "happily ever after" because that's the end. That's where the story stops. Does anyone really expect a happy ending? Does anyone even want one? I mean, imagine how short your life would be if you ended it on your best day ever.
...
Okay, well, mine might be kind of long since I haven't had a "best day ever". But normal people, I'm sure, have had days that (at the time) seemed like the peak of their existence. What if it wasn't the peak, what if it was just the end? You get the girl, or the guy. You ride off into the sunset. You save the planet. You save the day. You save time itself. And then, in the middle of the parade, as you're giving your little Miss America wave while clutching the key to the city, everything just ends. And that's it. We all move into the afterlife. We're all reborn and start over.
That would suck. I mean, not for you, as you'd be in the middle of a parade and all the drama that comes from being the savior of the universe. But imagine how it would feel for the guy driving the convertible. Or that hot little chick (or that hot little fella) who's waving to you from the sidewalk. Imagine being that person, just there, minding your own business when suddenly the entire slate is erased and a big cosmic voice tells you "okay. That's a wrap folks. Have a nice non-existence."
I think I'd be kind of upset. I'd certainly be thinking "what's so special about this guy that their achievement heralds the end of existence just so they can end things on a high note?". Yeah, I definitely be wondering that. I mean, sure you just saved the universe and all, but hey, I'm sure I would have too if I'd been put in your situation. Just cause you're uber-special doesn't mean I should get shafted.
I had a panic attack. Did I tell you that? It was a week ago or so, but it remains in my thoughts none the less. I've never had a panic attack before. It was...Not pleasant. Which, I guess, is the point but this one was particularly bad (compared to what? The dozens of others I've had?). And it was for no good reason. I mean there are sometimes very good reason for having the sudden overwhelming urge to hyperventilate yourself to death just to stop all the worrying. But this one? This one was me suddenly worrying about things that I have, as of yet, no cause to worry about. And when it started, it had nothing to do with the things I ended up panicking about. It started because I had deja-vu. But it wasn't normal deja-vu. I know what normal deja-vu is like. I get it a lot. No, this was the sudden realization that this fear-inducing sensation could be only one of two things (okay, it could have been both, but I digress). The sight before my eyes and the feeling it brought on was a: an actual memory of an event that had never occurred nor ever had the opportunity to occur but yet was actually a memory, meaning that at some point in the past I had a dream about the future, about this moment in time. Or b: that I was just as insane, if not more so, then I had always claimed I was. Both truly terrifying choices. I wasn't sure which one I wanted it not to be more.
Did you know I actually had a therapist tell me that she knew, without a doubt, that I wasn't crazy because crazy people don't know they are as such?
As you can imagine, if I had been paying her, I would have fired her instantly. As it was, since I wasn't, I simply stopped going to my appointments. It is truly ridiculous to claim that I can't know I'm crazy. Now, I'm fairly certain I'm insane, though I am not convinced I'm all the way there...Yet. However, I do know that at the least I am mentally unbalanced. Why else would I enjoy watching pro-wrestling?
...
...
That was a joke.
...
Where was I?
Oh, right. That.
Have you ever noticed that saying things like "I'm crazy" don't make you look crazy so much as just really weird? People just give you that look. You know, the one where they're thinking "this person is obviously one of the biggest losers on the planet. They're right up there with Trekkies who live in their parents basement." Followed of course by the "I know I can't get infected from standing near them, but what if people nearby start to think I'm their friend or something" look. Those looks and those thoughts are the ones you get as you do your very best to pretend at being polite. What you really want to do is run and get at least twenty feet between you and the offender, all the while shrieking "ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod" and waving you hands like you touched something gross and dancing around like you saw a mouse.
haha. funny picture.
Have you ever wanted to do something destructive just to see what would happen? I mean, you know what will happen. You know what it will look like, feel like. But you just really want to truly, utterly know. I get this feeling a lot. Like sometimes when I'm holding a glass, I get this image in my mind of what it would look like if I dropped it. Not if it slipped, but if I actually intentionally broke it. In my mind I see it all with special effects. I see every shard as it rips outward from it's shape. I pause the image and turn it around. And when I snap back to the real world, and I'm holding the glass, I just want to see it for real. To squeeze until the glass is crushed in my hand. Or drop it, really drop it, so I can stop and watch it happen. This same type of urge comes over me when I drive. It happens a lot when I drive. You people are lucky I have so much self control. Anyway. I get this urge to just go straight instead of curving. Or to just turn suddenly and sharply in the middle of a stretch of road. Or randomly gun it through a busy intersection. I know what would happen. The mayhem, the destruction, the pain, yada yada yada. But I want to see it. Feel it. I want it to happen to me. I get this feeling a lot. In a lot of different ways. I could list them all, but in the end I think it would just sound like a list of ways to commit suicide and frankly I don't want to bore you with all the details. No reason to get you all depressed...Especially if you've managed to read this far. More so if you've chosen to read this far. Now that's commitment. I'm not even sure if I'm paying attention anymore.
Where was I?
...
...
See, told ya, not even me.
...
Wait, I'm lost again.
Happy endings, shafted, therapist, insanity, feelings destruction...
...
...
...
I think I lost it. Aw man. It was a really good point too. (I can tell because of how frustrated I am that I forgot it)
think think think.
...
...
Oh, I remember!! Yay!!!
Wait, stop celebrating or you'll forget again, you fool!!
"You fool, do you know what you've done..."
Sorry, sorry, bad movie quotes (if that was even actually a quote.)
Stop stop stop. Back on topic.
Before I got sidetracked I was going to lapse into a a little bit about extraordinary things.
Yes, think of that. That will calm you down, get you all philosophical again.
Do extraordinary things happen to you? I bet they don't. I bet you think they do, but in the end, I bet they're just ordinary things that just haven't happened to you before. Now maybe it's the comicbook geek in me, or the novel writer, talking, but this world is very dull. Not dull as in boring, but dull as in plain.
Nothing new ever really happens. No killer robots. No mutants. No super computers or dinosaurs gone bad. Not even a mega storm with the capability to wipe out human kind. Am I the only one who wants this kind of thing to happen? It just seems to me that no one will ever find out their true measure unless they're really put to the test. Life or death. Would you pass or fail? And which one would be which?
But alas, I come to the end of this day. Time for sleep. Tomorrow is another day. Even if it will be just like the last one. Nothing new. Nothing drastic. "Change is the only constant", but even that seems to have lost it's edge. God, everything is just so boring. Why even bother? What's the point when every day is just another day. Man, civilization sucks. Why do you people want to live so long anyway? You think putting off dying will somehow make a difference? Sometimes I swear I'd rather have the 30-year life span and constant tribal warfare over the 80 years of standardized education, manufactured consumption-driven materialism, and a string of memories that are made and lost in the bustle of an attention span shorter than a freshly mowed lawn.
But, ya know, best wishes and all that. Enjoy your life, candy-coated stamped Styrofoam that it is.
Me? I'll be busy trying to get home because, God knows, I didn't come from this quicksand (much as it might try to suck me in and convince me otherwise).
Ah well. Such is life.
At least the music's good.
Song/s of the moment:
"So In Love With Two" by Mikaila
"03 Bonnie And Clyde" ft. Beyonce by Jay-z
"Run" by Snow Patrol
"Take Me Away" by Avril Lavigne
"We're All To Blame" by Sum 41
"Here In My Room" & "Southern Girl" by Incubus
Anyway. It's been a while since I wrote something so I figured I should, well, write something.
My nose is clouded with the smell of warmth. It's a faint burning smell from a hot lamp mixed with the salt of my flesh and the faint perfume of my shampoo.
The burning is the strongest. It makes me think of fire. Not like a campfire, more like a warehouse fire. Makes me think of flames all around, lancing up and down the sides of discarded wooden crates. My uncle's business makes shipping crates. I imagine that he would be disappointed by the joy I get from this vision. The fire is orange. Warm. Like a blanket you would curl up in if you never wanted to wake up. Sometimes I don't want to wake up. Many times I don't want to wake up. Sleeping Beauty had it made. The world revolved around her. Everyone waiting, holding their breath for that moment when the world would be perfect enough for her to return. True love. The evil vanquished. Everything she had ever known sleeping alongside her while the rest of the world shed their evil ways. Everyone heard about Sleeping Beauty. She was so mysterious that she was stunning.
In the end, though, I think I feel sorry for her. Life was only perfect while she was asleep. I mean, with such a legend to live up to, could the real Sleeping Beauty ever be enough? When the Prince paraded her around to magnify his own glory, don't you think that people probably responded with a "wait, that's the Sleeping Beauty?"?
Poor child. The world was created for her and in the end, she didn't even fit in it.
You know, that makes me think. What exactly is a "happily ever after"? Sure it seems obvious, but there's got to be more to it than the surface would suggest. It can't really be a life where every day is like the day you met, where everything is sunshine and white picket fences. Can it? I mean, there has to be the fighting, the disagreements, right?
Of course there is. There has to be, because that is life. But fairy tales get to end early. They get to say "happily ever after" because that's the end. That's where the story stops. Does anyone really expect a happy ending? Does anyone even want one? I mean, imagine how short your life would be if you ended it on your best day ever.
...
Okay, well, mine might be kind of long since I haven't had a "best day ever". But normal people, I'm sure, have had days that (at the time) seemed like the peak of their existence. What if it wasn't the peak, what if it was just the end? You get the girl, or the guy. You ride off into the sunset. You save the planet. You save the day. You save time itself. And then, in the middle of the parade, as you're giving your little Miss America wave while clutching the key to the city, everything just ends. And that's it. We all move into the afterlife. We're all reborn and start over.
That would suck. I mean, not for you, as you'd be in the middle of a parade and all the drama that comes from being the savior of the universe. But imagine how it would feel for the guy driving the convertible. Or that hot little chick (or that hot little fella) who's waving to you from the sidewalk. Imagine being that person, just there, minding your own business when suddenly the entire slate is erased and a big cosmic voice tells you "okay. That's a wrap folks. Have a nice non-existence."
I think I'd be kind of upset. I'd certainly be thinking "what's so special about this guy that their achievement heralds the end of existence just so they can end things on a high note?". Yeah, I definitely be wondering that. I mean, sure you just saved the universe and all, but hey, I'm sure I would have too if I'd been put in your situation. Just cause you're uber-special doesn't mean I should get shafted.
I had a panic attack. Did I tell you that? It was a week ago or so, but it remains in my thoughts none the less. I've never had a panic attack before. It was...Not pleasant. Which, I guess, is the point but this one was particularly bad (compared to what? The dozens of others I've had?). And it was for no good reason. I mean there are sometimes very good reason for having the sudden overwhelming urge to hyperventilate yourself to death just to stop all the worrying. But this one? This one was me suddenly worrying about things that I have, as of yet, no cause to worry about. And when it started, it had nothing to do with the things I ended up panicking about. It started because I had deja-vu. But it wasn't normal deja-vu. I know what normal deja-vu is like. I get it a lot. No, this was the sudden realization that this fear-inducing sensation could be only one of two things (okay, it could have been both, but I digress). The sight before my eyes and the feeling it brought on was a: an actual memory of an event that had never occurred nor ever had the opportunity to occur but yet was actually a memory, meaning that at some point in the past I had a dream about the future, about this moment in time. Or b: that I was just as insane, if not more so, then I had always claimed I was. Both truly terrifying choices. I wasn't sure which one I wanted it not to be more.
Did you know I actually had a therapist tell me that she knew, without a doubt, that I wasn't crazy because crazy people don't know they are as such?
As you can imagine, if I had been paying her, I would have fired her instantly. As it was, since I wasn't, I simply stopped going to my appointments. It is truly ridiculous to claim that I can't know I'm crazy. Now, I'm fairly certain I'm insane, though I am not convinced I'm all the way there...Yet. However, I do know that at the least I am mentally unbalanced. Why else would I enjoy watching pro-wrestling?
...
...
That was a joke.
...
Where was I?
Oh, right. That.
Have you ever noticed that saying things like "I'm crazy" don't make you look crazy so much as just really weird? People just give you that look. You know, the one where they're thinking "this person is obviously one of the biggest losers on the planet. They're right up there with Trekkies who live in their parents basement." Followed of course by the "I know I can't get infected from standing near them, but what if people nearby start to think I'm their friend or something" look. Those looks and those thoughts are the ones you get as you do your very best to pretend at being polite. What you really want to do is run and get at least twenty feet between you and the offender, all the while shrieking "ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod" and waving you hands like you touched something gross and dancing around like you saw a mouse.
haha. funny picture.
Have you ever wanted to do something destructive just to see what would happen? I mean, you know what will happen. You know what it will look like, feel like. But you just really want to truly, utterly know. I get this feeling a lot. Like sometimes when I'm holding a glass, I get this image in my mind of what it would look like if I dropped it. Not if it slipped, but if I actually intentionally broke it. In my mind I see it all with special effects. I see every shard as it rips outward from it's shape. I pause the image and turn it around. And when I snap back to the real world, and I'm holding the glass, I just want to see it for real. To squeeze until the glass is crushed in my hand. Or drop it, really drop it, so I can stop and watch it happen. This same type of urge comes over me when I drive. It happens a lot when I drive. You people are lucky I have so much self control. Anyway. I get this urge to just go straight instead of curving. Or to just turn suddenly and sharply in the middle of a stretch of road. Or randomly gun it through a busy intersection. I know what would happen. The mayhem, the destruction, the pain, yada yada yada. But I want to see it. Feel it. I want it to happen to me. I get this feeling a lot. In a lot of different ways. I could list them all, but in the end I think it would just sound like a list of ways to commit suicide and frankly I don't want to bore you with all the details. No reason to get you all depressed...Especially if you've managed to read this far. More so if you've chosen to read this far. Now that's commitment. I'm not even sure if I'm paying attention anymore.
Where was I?
...
...
See, told ya, not even me.
...
Wait, I'm lost again.
Happy endings, shafted, therapist, insanity, feelings destruction...
...
...
...
I think I lost it. Aw man. It was a really good point too. (I can tell because of how frustrated I am that I forgot it)
think think think.
...
...
Oh, I remember!! Yay!!!
Wait, stop celebrating or you'll forget again, you fool!!
"You fool, do you know what you've done..."
Sorry, sorry, bad movie quotes (if that was even actually a quote.)
Stop stop stop. Back on topic.
Before I got sidetracked I was going to lapse into a a little bit about extraordinary things.
Yes, think of that. That will calm you down, get you all philosophical again.
Do extraordinary things happen to you? I bet they don't. I bet you think they do, but in the end, I bet they're just ordinary things that just haven't happened to you before. Now maybe it's the comicbook geek in me, or the novel writer, talking, but this world is very dull. Not dull as in boring, but dull as in plain.
Nothing new ever really happens. No killer robots. No mutants. No super computers or dinosaurs gone bad. Not even a mega storm with the capability to wipe out human kind. Am I the only one who wants this kind of thing to happen? It just seems to me that no one will ever find out their true measure unless they're really put to the test. Life or death. Would you pass or fail? And which one would be which?
But alas, I come to the end of this day. Time for sleep. Tomorrow is another day. Even if it will be just like the last one. Nothing new. Nothing drastic. "Change is the only constant", but even that seems to have lost it's edge. God, everything is just so boring. Why even bother? What's the point when every day is just another day. Man, civilization sucks. Why do you people want to live so long anyway? You think putting off dying will somehow make a difference? Sometimes I swear I'd rather have the 30-year life span and constant tribal warfare over the 80 years of standardized education, manufactured consumption-driven materialism, and a string of memories that are made and lost in the bustle of an attention span shorter than a freshly mowed lawn.
But, ya know, best wishes and all that. Enjoy your life, candy-coated stamped Styrofoam that it is.
Me? I'll be busy trying to get home because, God knows, I didn't come from this quicksand (much as it might try to suck me in and convince me otherwise).
Ah well. Such is life.
At least the music's good.
Song/s of the moment:
"So In Love With Two" by Mikaila
"03 Bonnie And Clyde" ft. Beyonce by Jay-z
"Run" by Snow Patrol
"Take Me Away" by Avril Lavigne
"We're All To Blame" by Sum 41
"Here In My Room" & "Southern Girl" by Incubus
Comments