Rituals.

I wish crying was easier.

I always find it a little strange when people talk about balance and harmony as being two things: right and wrong, good and evil. That would mean that for the world to be balanced, there would have to be as much evil as there is good, and I just don't believe that. Instead, think of balance as standing on one foot. Are you doing two things? No, just one: balancing. Balance and harmony aren't about opposites but rather about everything being one thing. The key to balance is not being pushed or pulled in any one direction but rather choosing the path that you want to take. An unbalanced life is one where you're not making the choices yourself. Good and evil are just the terms we use to describe whether or not something was fortuitous for us. Balance is about knowing the value in everything we encounter.

I have a new new job. I lost the old new job. I have a new new friend. The old new friend isn't much of a friend. But it's all an improvement. I enjoy the new new job better. The new new friend is a great friend. I miss her. But she's busy getting better. That's more important than finding time to play cards with me. There's a new purpose to my support group, which is better than the old purpose. Which was no purpose. I almost feel not depressed. Almost. I still feel it in the back of my mind, like a warm sweater wrapped around my cerebellum. I don't know that it will ever go away. I don't know that I want it to go away. It's too familiar. Too much of a safety net to fall back on. I'm sure that's what my therapist would say too. But I don't know how I feel about him sometimes. He feels like a friend. But a nagging friend. And we're not working on the problem I want to work on. Interjection: I called a new lawyer, finally, since th

I have a job. I have a new friend. I have new medication. Things are looking up. But I am down. I look at my feet when I walk. I don't want to see what lies ahead. I don't want to trip over what's happening right now. I should be asleep but then I won't want to get up. I wish I could feel the way I used to feel. I wish I could remember how I used to feel. Maybe I shouldn't WANT to feel that way. Maybe it wasn't so great. I want to feel something new. Something I've never felt before. But where is the person who will make that happen? Where is the person who will teach me what love feels like?

I know a lot of it is the meds talking, specifically the meds failing that is talking, but I just feel so....dead. I can't think of anything to do creatively. And when I do think of something, I don't have the motivation for it. I open the internet browser and after responding to all the Arcade threads, I don't know how to spend my time. I binge watch a show, and then can't stand it enough to finish it. I switch genres, and then there isn't enough to fill the time. I try to work and can't concentrate for more than 15 mins. I have, roughly, a 12 hour day and I don't know how to spend the time. And then when the time is spent, I don't know what I've spent it doing. I'm lost and alone and in the woods. It's snowing and it's cold, and I don't have the proper attire. I'm abandoned and given up on and rejected. I don't have a signal. I'm looking for a sign. All I see is the same old trees. And I've neve

For those who read this but are unaware: My father passed away this past Saturday, December 6th. I've set up a memorial blog for him at Gwoolslayer.blogspot.com There you can see what I've written as well as others. More content will be coming as my siblings decide what they want to say. Also, there's a Paypal donation button. My father's death has left my mother with financial difficulties. If you can or want to, if you're looking for a good cause or want to help a stranger, please donate. And please pass the word on to those you know, those who may be looking for a way to help others this holiday season.

I am so sick of you all. You "real life" people. Everyone one of you has left me or stabbed me in the back. Fuck you all. Fuck this. And no, this post doesn't have my usual dystopian eloquence. Well fuck that too.

My father is ill. He is in the hospital I am supposed to be concerned. Worried. Afraid. Sad. Something. I am not. Neither am I glad. I am just....aware of it. This is not a delayed reaction. This is my full reaction. "Okay." Chief among the emotions I am not good with is grief. I just don't feel it. Perhaps at most, an absence. A space where a person once was. A lack of reaction where it once existed. But it is not in me to break down. To cry over a lost person. I mourn, yes, but in my own way. A recognition of the person and their life. And that is it. Is my father dying? I don't know. Am I worried? For the way it will effect the future, effect my mother (her ability to live in her own home, her ability to survive without him guiding her steps). But do I worry that my father will be gone? No. Do I worry what my last words to him were? No. They are not important. I have said all I need to say to him. I have told him I no longer blame him, that

I get so sick of people sometimes. And just when they start to pull me back in, I get sick all over again. I keep thinking "there's people out there for you" and for a while, it seems true. But then it just goes to hell. And then hope builds inside me again. Somewhere that I can't control. And lurks under everything I do. So I'm nice and polite and kind because I think, things will be better if I am this way. But they aren't. And every time it happens, I want a place to go back to. A home or a person that will take me in until it washes over. But I don't have a home. And I don't have a person. And I'm tired of dealing with it on my own. And I'm so sick of people who don't allow me to be upset or annoyed, or even angry. I let them be upset and annoyed and angry. Why am I not allowed to be? Why am I "rude?" I'm so sick of people. And this planet has so many of them. I think I'm too even-handed about things. I alw