Rituals.

I want to speak and I want to scream and I want to have things to say. But I have nothing to say except the things I always say. I have no words but the same words, that speak of misery and sorrow and absence.

Everyday gets harder and I don't know when I'm going to give up. I don't know why I haven't already. I wish there was a better explanation for being the way I am. I wish there was more wrong with me, that things were harder for me, so I could spend less time defending myself. And even though no one ever asks, I still feel like I have to defend myself. Like they accuse me without saying anything. And so I spend all this time preparing answers for questions that never come. But I do that any way. Every conversation I ever had, I've already had once before. I run over everything in my mind. Once. Twice. A half dozen times. It gets exhausting. It's all exhausting. And I'm so very tired.

I'm trying to remember what it was like to have stuff to say. To have a point of view. I use to write and those words used to carry my voice. Now I can't recall the sound of them. It makes me sad. But it is one sorrow on top of many. I'm hoping, if I can cure the one at the bottom, the rest will fall away. I just wish I had more control over the things that will make my life better.

I think I might murder my facebook page.

What is it about me? Because, it has to be me, doesn't it? I hold my tongue on a lot of things. For many reasons. People have the right to be who they are. People have the right to their own behaviors. And I have the right to let go of things. And I have the right to be upset about things. WHY AM I NEVER ALLOWED TO BE UPSET? Everyone I meet seems to suffer from the same condition: punk-ass little brats. And I am so sick of putting up with other people's issues. I don't even remember what mine are anymore....

There are such dark days in this life. Days that tear you apart and drag you down. And every day, we rise up and try again. Is it so wrong to ask for something miraculous to happen? Something extra-ordinary. Something that defys the phrase "that's impossible." For even the most amazing things I've ever heard of or ever known, are all things that are perfectly possible. But it brings this question to mind. Can the truly astonishing and the God who created this mundane world, exist together? Am I willing to surrender even that smallest amount of faith I still possess in order to see something that defies all other explanation?

Someday, I'm gonna figure this "friend" thing out.

How many times do we have to listen to "it'll get better" and "one day." Why is that day never this day? It seems like when it arrives, I am never aware of it. Or it comes for someone other than me. Isn't life supposed to level out? Isn't life supposed to settle, like the dirt at the bottom of the river? Certainly, that's how I feel. Dirt at the bottom of the river. It's those lies that people tell us. "It'll all get better." Like how we're supposed to smile until we feel like smiling. Why should we have smiles? Why are they a requirement for making it through the day? If we feel lousy, should we be allowed the opportunity to share that emotion through out facial expressions? Where did this quirk of culture come from, that we should express feelings we don't feel? It lights a fire in me. A rage. People saying how we are to feel. Emotion without cause, burning us alive, from the outside in. These smiles we...

How do you deal with those thoughts that tell you you've been left behind? How do you tell the difference between not talking and not talking to you? How many message can you send someone to see if they're talking to you before they get so annoyed that they're no longer talking to you? How do you get people to tell you the things you're doing wrong, to point out your flaws? How do we change the things that need to be changed, if no one will tell us? How do we know where we are failing if there is no longer a system of rules? Is this comment too rude? Is that request too pushy? How do you find out if you're annoying without being annoying by asking if you're annoying? How do you silence these questions that echo through every space in your mind? Every twisting memory and moment curling in your mind like a boiling pot, and if you get too close, you're going to get burned. How do you live when your own mind is on fire? When your thoughts are scald...

What is this world doing to me? Oh how it drags me down. That myth our parents tell us, of how we can be anything . The universe seems to have different ideas. But I've brought this on myself, haven't I? My failures and my mistakes and all those bridges I've burned. All those damn bridges. And no one to tell me why. Why do I stay? There's so much agony in it. These days, agony is all I feel.